Witness for the prosecution

An urbane Victor took the stand for the prosecution, but when all was said and done, it sounded more like he was testifying for the defense. Sharon may need a defense after banging Mariah's head with that bookend. Hilary is already defending her decision to dump Devon, but will she keep his fortune and snare Jack instead? Read all about it in this week's Two Scoops.

Okay, so once again, I was bored and wondering what the heck I was going to write about this time when bam, during the last 15 minutes of Friday's episode: Sharon clobbered Mariah; Hilary stuck it to Devon; and Victor gobsmacked everyone. Quicker than you could say, "Marlene Deitrich," both Victor and Eric Braeden pulled off a magnificent job of acting. While it is totally unbelievable to me that any man would frame his son out of revenge and then become a staunch character witness for said son, I do have to say that in that moment, I believed every word that Victor said, and I totally believed that Eric Braeden was Victor. He was terrific as he played a male version of the Dietrich part in the classic Hitchcock movie. Those few minutes of Braeden's understated performance were worth the wait.

Now I have to wonder what Victor's plan is. Surely he has some further agenda. Did I mishear Victor and the mystery woman? Did she not find a forger and a way to poison a dead body -- a scientific impossibility, I believe -- at Victor's behest? Perhaps the explanation will be that Victor found out about Ian Ward's plot to frame Adam and went looking for evidence to clear Adam. No, I think that it makes more sense that she-who-will-remain-nameless helped Victor because she hates Adam so much. Time will tell on this, sooner rather than later, I hope.

I got some fun email last week. Donna wrote that she has been missing Victor, who she called, "the main character," and she is tired of seeing Victor in a prison jumpsuit, which Donna said was "somewhat like imagining Donald Trump out of his suit & tie -- just does NOT compute!" I feel you, Donna.

Now that Victor has taken a bullet and probably saved the guard, he may have given himself a get-out-of-jail-free card -- even though he did prevent the guard from shooting and possibly hitting Nikki. At a minimum, Victor has probably redeemed himself with his family. I wonder what Dr. Gates will have to say now that Victor has treated her like a castoff groupie. Victor will need to get out of jail soon -- or at least be prepared to do some very fancy explaining -- because he is going to be dealing with a "woman scorned" who knows her way around a scalpel.

I think if I were Ian, I'd want a hostage that could move a little faster than Nikki can in those stilettos. I can barely keep from tipping over in my Birkenstocks. I can't imagine how any woman "of a certain age" can spend even a few minutes in shoes like those. I admit that they are beautiful and look great -- for torture devices -- on young, thin people with good balance. Women who can actually look confident walking in them are things of real beauty. I'm just not one of them!

I do hope that Adam is acquitted soon. There are a million holes I can poke in this ridiculous storyline. To start, there is no such thing as a perfect forgery. Once someone starts looking, a forgery will be exposed. Also, how can someone be poisoned after they've been buried for several months? I don't think it's possible. What happened to the doctor that signed the death certificate and cared for Constance? Why didn't he suspect poison? Why weren't Adam's fingerprints on the poison vial? I could go on, but the most important point is that anyone who knew Sage would know that she would never have been intimidated and would never have rested until Adam had been punished if he had killed Constance. Sage loved Constance, and Sage would not have protected her murderer under any circumstance.

The summer before last, "Sharon goes off her meds and wreaks havoc" was a fun story. This summer, it's a ho-hum rerun. Surely there are other crises for Sharon to navigate. Bonking Mariah with that bookend ought to be a wake-up call for Sharon. She really is going to lose all that she holds near and dear if she doesn't get a grip. Sage said it all when she told Sharon that Sharon would do anything to keep a man in her life. That's what my friend Bessie has been saying all along! Bessie also told me that she doesn't think that Dylan and Sharon have any chemistry together, and I agree. That's pretty hard to accomplish because Sharon Case seems to have chemistry with everyone.

Bessie thinks that Steve Burton should go back to General Hospital, and again, I agree, though it might be tough for him to get his old job back. A few years ago, after a brief hiatus, I started watching Y&R again because I liked Burton on GH and wanted to see how he fared as a different character on a different show. Now, after more than three years, he's not cutting it for me. His character is nonessential, and no matter where they've put him -- contractor, coffee shop owner or cop -- he just doesn't fit in. Dylan McAvoy could quietly slide out of town, and I don't think I would miss him. It makes me really sad to say that.

Nick is certainly a changeable fellow, isn't he? Just when you think he's completely anti-Adam, he pulls a 180 and is suddenly Team Adam. What a shocker! No? Oh, yeah, after he found out Sharon had changed the paternity test, he sued for, and won, sole custody of Faith. Now, a mere year and a half later, it's as though that never happened. Oh, fickle, thy name is Nick. But you are sincere, and you do have a really nice smile!

Poor Jack. How long will his wife and brother cuckold him before he wises up? When did Jack lose touch with reality? Maybe he's still got water on the brain from the time he spent in the ocean after he blew up that boat with Marisa. You would think that after as many times as Jack has been cheated on by his various significant others, he would recognize the signs that Phyllis is clearly broadcasting. Instead, Jack meanders blithely along right into the honey pot that Hilary has waiting for him. I guess it's true: you can't teach an old dog anything if he doesn't want to learn!

Another reader, Ruth, also sent an email and called me out about reconsidering my opinions about Adam and Hilary. Ruth thinks that I thought too highly of both characters. I agree with her about Hilary, who does seem to be trying to sleep her way to the top of the Genoa City elite. When I think back to that long ago scene in the -- was it the Underground -- bar, when she told her former boyfriend -- who was trying to be Devon's new best friend -- something to the effect that she was in it for the long game, I remember that she had a very sly look in her eye then. I questioned in a column whether Hilary had changed or if she had just fooled me. I think that she fooled me, but I don't care. Hilary is very good at being bad, and I think the actress who portrays her is terrific. Someone has to be the bad girl, and right now it's Hilary.

I do imagine that she will lead Jack around by the nose. All the other women that he has gotten involved with over the years have. In fact, there have been so many of them that I'm a little surprised Jack doesn't have a ring in his nose like every other prized bull.

How delusional are Billy and Phyllis for even imagining for one second that there is any way that a physical relationship between them can end in anything but a family disaster? The Abbott women will be ready to do battle as the amazing Amazons that they are if anyone -- are you listening, Phyllis and Hilary? -- does anything to hurt their beloved Jack. I doubt that Hilary will be put off her social climbing agenda any more than Jill was when she went after, first, Katherine's husband and then John Abbott. Today, Jill has everything she wanted and coveted from Katherine 30 years ago. I wonder if the same will be true for Hilary 30 years from now.

Does anyone else wonder what was up with Victoria's hair and wardrobe on Friday? She went from sharp, snazzy dresser to frumpish schoolmarm overnight. I hated that belted pinstriped sack she was wearing at the trial almost as much as those tight Heidi-of-the-Alps braids. I was surprised that she didn't start yodeling. Perhaps next week they'll put her in lederhosen or sew a scarlet "A" to her frock and put her in one of those bonnet things the Amish still wear. Can't you just picture that?

I do believe that I have covered what there is to cover, so stick a fork in me, I'm done! Thanks to all of you who took time to send me comments. I love hearing your opinions, even if they don't agree with mine! I believe that I have explained how wishy-washy I am. A good argument from someone will change my opinion right on the spot -- just like Nick! I'm not afraid to admit that I am very flexible, though that has become a dirty word to some in this day and age.

Until next time, have a great Fourth of July, not only as a time to celebrate with family but to give thanks for all the wonderful things that this country has to offer us that are uniquely ours! High on my list, after the Constitution and Bill of Rights, is the never-ending -- unless cancelled -- soap genre and all that it brings to our lives. Some people may consider our devotion frivolous, and maybe it is, but one of the really great things about freedom is that we are free to be frivolous because we are free to choose what tools we will use as learning devices. Funny thing is it's as easy to learn psychology from the Newmans and Abbotts as it is from any psychology book. If you just want to relax and de-stress in an unreal world with imaginary friends, that's okay, too, unless you are watching from Fairview, then it might be a slight problem!

Please join me in two weeks for the next meeting of Soap-aholics Anonymous at the Underground. Our topic will be "Climbing the social ladder one billionaire at a time" with guest speaker Hilary Winters and special introduction by Jill Foster Abbott Atkinson. Imaginary friends are welcome to the no-host bar and are urged to please tip the imaginary servers generously. Hope to see you there.

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