I don't think you're ready for this jelly

Stefan, can you handle this? Brady, can you handle this? Jack, can you handle this? I don't think they can handle this. That is Vivian and Kristen and Eve, oh my! Add in the fierceness of Kate, Nicole, Sarah, Gabi, and Ciara, and Salem's men surely have something to squirm about. Let's discuss some lethal ladies in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

The House of Kiriakis might be a boys' club, but the Salem world is surely run by some powerful women. Or run amok by some wily women. Potayto. Potahto. Really. I swear that if Sami were back, all of my favorite divas would be in one place. Though, could Salem handle that? I doubt it. Let's take a look at what some of these schemers were up to and decide if there's a new schemer in the making.

Well. You can't argue with Vivian's logic. That is, "She killed me. I killed her back." Though simply shooting someone is a bit pedestrian for Auntie Viv. At the very least, I expected her to bury Kate up to the neck and have a Bollywood elephant trample her or something. Guns are for goons, Viv -- not thee, Madame Alamain. But I digress.

Viv shot Kate! Then buried her. Guns aren't glam, but they are effective. Of course, Kate isn't dead! She can't be. She's Kate Freakin' Roberts. I'm convinced somewhere out there, Philip met a lady or Lucas sent a text to Chloe, and Kate instinctively clawed her way out of that grave to butt in but collapsed at the hospital first. Kate is fierce like that. Except, she's in critical condition, and Viv wants to return her to the grave once and for all. Vivian? I meant "Dr. D. Cramer." Nice nod. Nice. Nod.

Stefan and Gabi both know what Viv did and are staying mum. Gabi is reluctant, though. So, Stefan attempted to argue that they would do anything for their mothers. Please. Mama Hernandez would never kill someone and need the cover-up. She'd either get a migraine from thinking about hurting someone and have to lie down, or she would pick up the gun, get winded, and end up hospitalized in an isolation unit, hooked up to an iron lung. Or her wrist would snap from the brittle bone disease she probably has. Again, I digress.

Stefan and Gabi are in the know, but everyone else pretty much has Viv at the top of their suspect list. That list reads, "1. Vivian. 2. Vivian. 3. Vivian. 4. Stefan(?)" then a few blank spots followed by Vivian's name ten more times. Sure. It was pointed out that Kate has enemies -- and galfriend does -- but, really. The timing is just too perfect. I can't imagine this storyline lasting long, but with Viv, it's certain to be a wild ride in the meantime.

Meanwhile, across Salem, I could watch Kristen and John exchange jabs all day. The contentious history is ripe between them. Kristen and Brady doing rounds of push and pull, on the other hand, is uncomfortable. I get the sultry direction they're going for, but it's coming across more Stockholm Syndrome meets another one of Brady's bad decisions. He resisted, for now, but this is far from over. Like Oscar Wilde, Brady can resist everything except temptation.

In fairness, crazy is crazy. Obsessed is obsessed. Stefano was wild about Marlena. Kristen is cuckoo for Brady. The Phoenix similarities are there. Still, Stefano wanted to create a romantic Parisian fantasy for his Queen of the Night. He longed for nightcaps with opera playing in the background as he and Doc settled into their elaborate birdcage. He yearned for mimosa brunches along la Rive Gauche. He wanted fancy dinners followed by a performance at the Palais Garnier. Yep. He was a romantic maniac.

Kristen? She wants Cinemax after midnight on the weekends during the early '90s. It's good to know what you want, I guess, but Kristen needs more to want. DiMera Enterprises is ready to be plucked, too. She could really have it all (or attempt to) if she stopped rubbing up on Brady and took control of the company. It's Brady. Again, he cannot resist temptation. He'll come to her (again), I'm sure. Then she could have the fling, the family, and the fortune. Focus, Kristen. Focus.

And it's official. Eve lost her lawsuit. Who would have thought, who would have thought? Oh. Right. Everyone. She tried. There's that. And in a showing of grand determination and idiocy, Wile Eve Coyote has vowed to keep after that old Deveraux roadrunner. Oh, Eve. Oh. Eve.

This time Eve is going to Stefan for help. She wants back in at DiMera Enterprises. He wasn't home. Sure, this seemed like a ploy to get Eve and Viv in the same room (more on that later), but I'd be game to watch Eve vs. Kristen. It would be a nice change of pace for a beat or two. Nevertheless, I'll stock up on Acme aloe wipes for when Eve's plan surely backfires in her face.

But to Eve's credit -- she didn't tip her hand to her enemy. Nope. That was Jack. Excuse me while I facepalm.

I mean, Jack! Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack. Why, oh why did he have to rub it in Eve's face that Dr. Rolf was recreating the serum...in the lab...in the hospital...on the exact floor...and the times he takes espresso breaks and the place will be alone!? Dummy. And, of course, the lab got trashed and is a bigger wreck than Sarah at the moment. Eve looks guilty. That must mean she's innocent. For once.

Ding, ding. You're a winner! If you predicted that Dr. Henry Shah would become a little too crazy for Jennifer, please collect your prize at the Two Scoops service counter following this week's column. Okay. We don't know this for certain, but it reeks of Liam Frasier-lite, and most of us have been placing that safe bet on Dr. Henry for a while.

After last week, Henry (new face and all) has all the makings of a psycho, based on his scene with Jennifer. I get it, man. Jenny Bear can be a bit frustrating, but what merry-go-round has he been on for two years? They had a few dates. Methinks if that's enough to send one to Crazy Town, they deserve their stint at Bayview. Sure, there could be other suspects for the lab leveling, but Henry wasn't there for no reason at all.

On the topic of being leveled, Sarah is on the floor. She's a hot mess. I get it, though. And props to her. Sarah's the reigning champ of stepping aside for a supercouple with grace and dignity. She wished them happiness. She praised Eric. Heck. She even made it easy on Eric by practically breaking up with herself to take the weight off his shoulders. She didn't tell him about the baby yet, and that makes me wonder -- will Sarah stay on the high road of wishing Eric and Nicole well, or will she (and her sanity) veer off course?

Sarah is, well, passionate. She fights for causes. Mostly, her cause has been Eric and how wonderful he is. How great he is. How dreamy he is. How he's perfect to raise Holly. How he changed water into wine then back into water again because he's on the wagon. How he created chocolate and rainbows. We get it. He's awesome. The way she went to bat for him was, at times, extreme. So, will she let that go without a fight, or will she listen to Vivian's advice. That is, use every weapon in her arsenal to hold onto him.

Sarah's passion has had tinges of, umm, let's say, "crazy pants" at times. She smelled a little unstable more than once. Heartbreak, stress, and a surprise pregnancy have made some Salem ladies go a bit loco. Is Sarah next? I kind of hope not, but I certainly have confidence in Linsey Godfrey, no matter what. She amazes me daily. I'd heard Linsey was great through the grapevine but wasn't overly familiar with her work until she premiered as Sarah. Now, she's easily in my "Top Ten Favorite Actresses...Ever" category. There's such a genuineness to all she does. So, even if I don't always agree with Sarah, I will follow Linsey to the end and back. So, bring on Crazy Schemer Sarah -- yes, no, maybe?

Is it wrong that I'm not allowing myself to get overly excited about Eric and Nicole's reunion? Don't get me wrong. I love them. Greg Vaughan and Arianne Zucker are magical. I want to run to them, but I'm frozen in place. I know that if I go rushing toward that "Ericole" football and try to kick it, Lucy, err, Ron will pull it away, and I'll go flying into the air and land in a heartbroken pile again.

Also, I really want Eric and Nicole to work this time and have ulterior motives, too! Not only do I love that couple, but I'm also fully on board the Sarah and Xander train. That's two great couples for the price of one breakup! Eric and Nicole are long, long, long overdue for coupledom that lasts more than a few days, and Xander brings Sarah snacks to ease her queasy stomach, covers her up, and wants to be a better Xanimal because of her. He does have feelings. Aww. There's only one thing standing in the way, and I say...

Baby shmaby! Eric and Sarah's breakup was amicable. Sarah pretty much laid down rose petals for Eric and Nicole to walk on as they strolled into the sunset. So, she just needs to tell him about the bambino. He'll be fine. Eric and Nicole will be fine. Sarah and Xander might be fine. Besides, Nicole has a pretty stellar record as a stepmom (sans that kidnapping stage). Both Johnny and Sydney adored her. Parker was her pal. So, Baby von Whoopsie will be fine. It's all good. It'll all be fine. Carry on.

LOOSE ENDS: Doug is epic and wins everything. Everything. When he says things like, "My sweet, beautiful girl," it simultaneously melts and breaks my heart. But she needs a new heart and can't be placed on a list. That's all terrible. Though, doesn't Dr. Rolf have anything in his bag of tricks? Or Lani could give Julie her heart. Lani already seems to have given away her brain, and she's still functioning. Sort of.

Speaking of, does Lani have a mute button? If so, someone please press it. She's a hypocritical tattletale who only tattles part of the story. Like, really, Lani? Rafe should "do something" about Gabi because she's out of control? Or does Lani just want Gabi out of the picture so she can pounce on Stefan to make it a trifecta?

Considering how kind Rafe has been to Lani, especially after she slobbered all over him and wanted to play house, maybe she could muster up some compassion and encourage him to check in on his sister -- not demand he put her in the timeout chair in front of the church. Oh, wait. That already happened. At the very least, Lani could have a little self-awareness and say, "Look. I'm not one of Gabi's favorite people after what I've done, but you should be worried about your sister." Nope. Lani can't muster the class to do that. She must be too busy sorting through selfies or booking seedy motel rooms.

Rafe told Gabi that "revenge. It's turned into your whole thing." He's not wrong-wrong, but Gabi is a reactive retaliator. She's not seeking to hurt the innocent. Just those who have wronged her. She's like Salem's version of the Punisher, but with more flair and less killing.

Oh, boy. Maggie is fired up because of Victor's extreme tactics with Ben. I mean, yeah. That was way harsh. However, Maggie probably made the best argument ever. Ever. She said, "She's been dating him for months, so, why did Victor feel he had the need to intervene now?" That. Just that.

Of course, that came around the time that Maggie put Xander on notice and warned him not to mess with Sarah. So, maybe Vic and Mags could meet in the middle on their approaches, or they'll just Strangers on a Train each other's problems. Hmm. Maggie could borrow Kate's brownie recipe and modify it to lemon bars. Just a thought.

In any event, sure. Vic's interest in keeping Ben away from Ciara is out of the blue, and his horrific actions gave Ben ammunition to hold over Victor and Brady's heads. However, I am down for all things Ciara infiltrating the Kiriakis Boys Club. She seems excited to learn the business, has Ben's support, and surely isn't afraid to let Victor know where she stands. She's honored to get a blue-painted office at Titan, but Ben is off limits. Girl Power, indeed! Now, all we need is Chelsea back to give her some snark-infused support, and the guys won't know what hit them.

HOT Strasser. DePaiva. Yes, please! Was the Vivian and Eve scene a smidge random? You betcha. But as Icona Pop sings, "I don't care, I love it." I'll eat up every minute of Strasser/DePaiva screen time I can get and come back for seconds. Well played, Mr. Ron!

NOT Please see earlier rant about Lani, and thank you.

LINE(S) OF THE WEEK Eve: "Throwing stones, Viv? That's mighty rich for a woman who has a history of burying people alive."

Vivian (to Stefan on his suggestion as to how to handle Kate): "Yes. That's one way to go."

TRUE 'DAT LINE(S) OF THE WEEK Gabi (to Stefan): "You gave Vivian Alamain a gun!?"

and one more time for the cheap seats in the back... Maggie (to Xander regarding Ben and Ciara): "She's been dating him for months, so, why did Victor feel he had the need to intervene now?"

EXCHANGE(S) OF THE WEEK Victor (scolding Xander for not killing Ben): "...a very inconvenient time to develop a conscience." Xander: "When are you people going to realize I'm not just muscle? I have feelings." Brady: "Xander. Take your feelings and get out of here."

Sarah: "Sarah Horton. The daughter of the woman you tried to bury alive." Vivian: "Oh. You mean Maggie." Sarah: "There's more than one!?" Vivian: "It was ages ago."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Come on, you guys! Who else wanted Brady and Nicole to hug after they had their apology chat at Marlena's penthouse? I miss their friendship. I hope it can be resurrected, too. Let's get Rolf on that next.

Vivian's peace and goodwill apology tour to do damage control was a special brand of crazy only she could concoct. Welcome back, madame. Welcome back.

I don't know who gave me the giggles more -- the combo of Eve and Viv, Jennifer and Dr. Rolf, or Jenny Bear and Care Bear Kayla. They were all pretty amusing, though Kayla saying there's some sort of dormitory where they "put all the formerly dead people together" was pretty spectacular.

I was totally eating up every second of that Doug and Julie musical montage. The song that played was haunting and worked perfectly with the vintage flashbacks. Jules might not get it right every time, but she and Doug are certainly timeless.

We've been told that Lucas is getting the first flight back to Salem. Yes, please! Bryan Dattilo must materialize, and, if not, I have a "NOT" locked and loaded if Lucas is constantly "in the other room" or "getting coffee from the cafeteria."

Speaking of visits, shouldn't Brandon visit Nicole and Holly? I miss that guy. I mean, Taylor could visit, too, if she wants, but she'd better leave all scarves behind.

Oh! And shouldn't Ivan be sprinting to see his Madame Vivian!? It's so odd to see her in Salem without a manservant. She had to get her own hands dirty. Literally.

And Quinn Hudson? Shouldn't he reunite with his mother, too. Maybe meet his half-brother. Ha. Like that'll happen.

It takes a lot to creep Hope out, but when she saw Dr. Rolf, there was something there. That was a tense reunion. I suspect there'll be some royally messed-up drama to come of it. Hmm.

I could watch Victor, Brady, and Xander bantering all day. And on the weekends. They're hilarious. Victor said, "It's always good to have a backup plan." Ha!

Brandon Barash and Robin Strasser are delightful together. More, please.

Umm. I'm not an expert in child safety, but is an open balcony door the best idea, given that Holly is running around these days? Just checking, Mar Mar.

I miss Valerie. I bet Abe does, too. Maybe she should bring her top-of-her-fieldness and authority back to Salem. Pretty please?

If anyone else had called someone a "sweet young thing," it would have come across cringey and condescending. From Doug, it was cute. I don't know how that works other than that Bill Hayes is a charmer.

Holly is reading! Maybe Brady will offer her a job at Titan, too. I kid. I kid. He'll just need her to help him with the big words once in a while.

Tom founded University Hospital. Okay. Sure.

Everyone is excited about the One Life to Live nods now that Robin Strasser is in Salem. I certainly am. They're fantastic. But it's also an NBC homecoming as Le Dame Strasser originated the role of Rachel on Another World AND played Hecuba on Passions. Come on, Ron -- how about a little peacock pride nod to Bay City and Harmony?

Yep. Sonny and Sarah should certainly talk more. Maybe they can do it at the pub, with Roman slinging some sage advice. He knows their pain.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Fay Walker needs Resurrection by Wilhelm. Abe is single. So is Mr. Roman. More so, Valerie Wildman is sorely missed, and Nicole could use an extra hand with Holly.

Dang! Eli snagged a doctor and had Kristen checked out pretty fast. It's good to be the king, eh, Eli?

Vivian told Stefan she was foraging. It's all the rage. New face and all, Viv still cracks me up.

How did Nicole know all about Jack's campaign? I'm assuming Kristen sent her some Spectators to keep up on all the happenings in Salem. Maybe.

Seeing Hope falling apart in the hospital lobby gave me a case of the sads, as that's the same spot where Lexie informed her that Zack was gone. Kristian Alfonso still wins everything for those scenes. That carnal scream of anguish still haunts me.

A week without Anna and Tony has me feeling verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. The Oreo is neither ore, nor is it an O. Discuss.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for September 16! I'm off to make up a "Welcome Home, Lucas!" banner and hide the scotch, so Laurisa will be back next week to cover all your Two Scooping needs. And, "That's a fact!"

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