How the heartaches come and they go, and the scars they're leavin'

Gloom? Doom? Yep, Salem has certainly seen brighter days. In fact, last week was pretty bleak. There was death, disease, despair, and one devastating breakup that has this Scooper sobbing in his scotch. Will Salem ever see blue skies again? Let's grab a box of tissues and find out in this week's Two Scoops!

My bank balance the day before I get paid. Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" played over animal abuse commercials. Hearing "Arctic vortex" on a weather report. Stubbing my toe. My DVR cutting off previews. Nightmares about Donald Trump's hair. Yep, that's a pretty sad and scary list, yet not nearly as depressing as DAYS was last week.

Oddly, I'm not talking about the kind of depressing the show had been at times earlier in the year. That was more, "What happened to our show!?" followed by sobbing and emotional eating. This kind of depressing was the, uh, good kind? It was more, "Did you see what happened on our show!?" yet still followed by sobbing and emotional eating. Moral of the story, DAYS went to a dark place last week, but the bright spot was some amazing performances. Was it worth it? Let's discuss!

For starters, Kassie DePaiva needs to be deemed a National Treasure. Her performances have been nothing short of captivating. They're raw and honest, and Eve's grief and guilt just gutted me. Granted, Kassie owes me a box of tissues for all the tears I've shed with Eve, but since her performances are what soaps are made of, we'll call it even.

Though Kassie's performances as Eve weren't the only ones to induce some water works -- Peggy McCay crushed her scenes as well. Caroline's entire "I'm needed here" speech was amazing. And just when I thought I was done with the sobs over them, Mary Beth Evans comes in and kills me as Kayla tears up while talking to her mother. I was a mess, but in a good way. Not the Theresa way as everyone else pointed out last week. But I digress...

Let's backtrack to Paige's funeral and all the blowouts surrounding it. Though I should be nitpicky for a moment first. I was kind of bummed, err, further bummed, that Shane, Kimberly, and, well, all of the Bradys in Salem didn't show up, or it wasn't even mentioned why they couldn't attend. I know that Kayla is busy with Caroline, but she could have sneaked out while Victor sat by Caroline's side, or she could have sent Joey. He'd be perfect at a funeral. He's so pouty he'd make the mourners feel better about their own lives.

I kid, I kid. Well, sort of. At the very least, Roman could have been there since his busy going-to-visit-Jennifer schedule opened up, and Andrew could have sent flowers. At least Daphne was there. That was a very nice touch. Hat tip for that, writers. So with attendance or lack thereof covered, let's move on...

On the good side, we got a funeral for Paige, filled with amazing performances. That beats not getting a funeral at all (and I'd list all the Salemites who haven't gotten an on-screen one, beginning with Jack, but that list would be too long). So, we have that, and, if only for the acting alone, those scenes were made of win.

On the other side of the coffin, there was some unnecessary suspect behavior that kind of irked me. One, really, Justin!? You're sitting beside a shattered Eve, and that's the moment you pick to rip into Rafe. I repeat, "Really, Justin!?" Not cool. Also not cool, Eduardo hijacking the gathering after to exploit Paige's death. As much as I love A Martinez, Salem needs another deadbeat dad storyline like Anne needs another wrap dress. Still, with A and Kassie spearheading this, the acting will be amazing, and that's reason enough for me to keep from really throwing a Two Scoop-sized tantrum.

However, Eve throwing tantrums at Jennifer, J.J., and Dr. Dude was entertaining! Did they have reasons to mourn Paige? Of course. But Eve also has reasons not to want to see them there, so I get her bitterness toward them -- though Eve should listen to Ghost Paige and let it go. More so, now that Paige is buried, it should definitely be let go, as we've been around that blaming block too many times already this year. Let Eve mourn and Kassie win an Emmy, and everything will be fine.

One last thought. Yeah, Rafe really should have slipped in "We're burying your half-sister today" while chatting with Gabi. I know she has a lot going on, but that's something one would want to know.

So, between all the light issues such as funerals and Bo torture -- and the serial killer, bad dads, and shady fiances -- DAYS slipped in Caroline's illness and Adrienne's genetic testing. I'm glad that Caroline's illness is being addressed and it was switched to a soap disease as opposed to a real life ailment that wasn't exactly being handled with TLC, but I'll be gladder when she's pumped with that drug and cured. This one has teetered too much on the verge of insensitive for me to enjoy it. I'm ready for it to be over. And while I know Adrienne's health scare is topical and poignant for millions, does DAYS really need to go there now?

The show's been amazing with the pace, acting, writing, and production value lately, no doubt! Overall, I'm in. I can't wait to tune in the next day. My concern is that we only have glimpses of happiness, and they are two weddings (in which beloved brides are marrying felonious fellas) and a bicentennial celebration that's going to double as a wedding and, if Ben keeps it up, another funeral. Though nothing screams party mood like multiple murders, I guess they could fill a coffin with ice to use for the refreshments for the bicentennial then toss the next body in for the funeral portion, and then cover it with a festive '60s print cloth for the wedding? Um, there's that. But let's hope the new writers remember a little fun and happiness, too, because if DAYS keeps up at this pace, I'm going to need Prozac to watch it.

LOOSE ENDS: I really adored that Eric was there for Marlena and they had a nice chat, but it unintentionally cracked me up. Marlena suggested switching the subject from her attack to something happier and asked Eric about his life. Um, has she met Eric? He makes Debbie Downer look like a ray of sunshine. Then Mar Mar suggested that he make a change, take a challenge. Hell, walking safely from one end of the park to the other seems like a challenge these days, but I digress. Eric does need something new. And I think that new should be working for Basic Black. Let's not forget he actually was a fashion photographer once upon a Rollerblade ago.

I agree with Kate and Nicole. Jeannie-T could totally flourish if she listened to their advice about studying under great designers and working her way up. Just because I can make a mean pancake by adding water to a jug filled with mix and shaking it doesn't make me a super chef. Well, maybe it does a little, but that's not the point. If Theresa needs a designer to study under (and one that would create a lot of drama), Laurisa and I have the perfect answer. Click here to find out!

On the topic of Basic Black, I'm still enjoying all the sassy shenanigans, but I'm not sure why Kate, Nicole, and Theresa are meeting in the Kiriakis living room to conduct business. Maybe it's so Theresa can care for Tater Tot, but that's a long shot, since Brady has their custody agreement narrowed down to the millisecond. I think it's just so Brady can do his best Danny Tanner and scold the girls when they're misbehaving. That reminds me, Brady needs a new storyline.

Okay, so Will agreed to be Ben's best man. Sure. I'll bite. Instant besties are a Salem staple. He also claimed he's always been on Team Ben. I'll pass on that part. I mean, does Will have a twin? I could have sworn up until a few weeks ago that Will sat with Abigail in a booth at the Brady Pub, exclaiming she should follow her heart to Chad. You know, Chad, one of his best friends. This one confuses me, though in much happier Will news (you know, because he was on twice last week, which is a record under the new writers' regime)...

Will admitted he was wrong about pretty much everything that ruined his marriage during a nice little scene with Lucas. I'm glad he finally got it. I'm sure he'll be able to share that with Sonny, and they'll have a long, happy life together. *sigh*

I'm on board with Lani. Sal Stowers has quickly won me over with her exuberant take on the role of a plucky rookie cop. More so, I'm loving that it's giving Abe what appears to be a -- what's the word -- oh, right, storyline! Sorry, "Abe" and "storyline" don't go together very often, and it took me a second to make the connection. Anyway, I like it. My money goes on Lani being Abe's long-lost daughter with former flame Nikki Wade, which would be a great wink to Rene Jones fans.

Joseph Mascolo, Thaao Penghlis, and Billy Flynn sharing scenes? Yes, please! About that, I still really want to know how Andre is suddenly Stefano's son after all these years. I also want to know why neither Chad (who's had to have seen a family album during his time with Stefano in Boston), nor Aiden (who has to know how to do a Google search and read about this Andre guy who's suddenly in the picture), nor Justin (whose family has a long-standing feud with the DiMeras) haven't had an "OMG, you're supposed to be dead!?" reaction to Andre.

I'll be honest here, I'm still holding a bit of a grudge against the new writers for running over Aiden with a bus...then backing up to run over him again and again. Grey is always a good shade for a character, but I was kind of rooting for him to overcome his past and turn into one the good guys. But, like they say, you can wish in one hand and doodie in the other and see which ones fills up first. Which leads me to Hope...

I'm surprised that a woman with the first name "Detective," and thank you Andre for that laugh, would give Aiden the money so easily. I'm not sure if it makes Hope look silly or brave for standing beside her man and trusting that he's being truthful with her. Either way, it kind of makes Hope the victim, and I'm not loving that. Detective Fancy Face deserves to be the hero in her own story, not the damsel in distress again. Ah, well. At least a '60s-themed wedding sounds like fun.

HOT

Holy bring me to tears, Batman! Kassie DePaiva and Peggy McCay were all shades of brilliant again last week. How lucky are DAYS fans to have these two legends on our show? The answer: very, very lucky!

NOT One of my best friends and an all-around smarty pants has taught me a lot. One of those lessons is -- as hard as it is -- you have to cut toxic people from your life. I get that, as I get Theresa's need to distance herself from Anne, but, damn it, I don't like it. At all. Theresa and Anne's combined hilarity pretty much got a lot of us through the spring. It's sad to see them break up now. Couldn't Theresa give Anne another chance now that she's made her need to be better known? I'm sure Anne would respect that. Okay, she wouldn't, but it would be funny nonetheless. Don't kill all the humor on DAYS, dear new writers. I'll be holding a candlelit vigil for "Annesa" on the pier at sunset.

LINE OF THE WEEK Andre (upon meeting Chad): "So you're Golden Boy 2.0...the newest chosen son."

TRUE 'DAT LINE OF THE WEEK Will (to Lucas): "Nobody knows more about being alone than you." #ouch #talktoRoman

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Gabi: "HR doesn't really care when they ask, 'What's this gap in your rsum?' and then I say, 'well, I was in prison for murder.'" Rafe: "Yeah, you might not want to lead with that." 2015 SUMMER SERIES

Part One: Dream Girls Part Two: A Few Good Men Part Three: Phantoms of the Soap Opera Part Four: Somewhere out there Part Five: The show must go on

RANDOM THOUGHTS I want Eric's sweater! Scratch that. I want a matching one. We'd look adorbs together.

Speaking of fashion, Andre's suites. Yep. That's all I got.

I wonder what Ben and Abigail's apartment faces. All those crazy lights outside are creepy.

Melissa Archer and True O'Brien could make a living as being victims on police procedurals.

Stefano told Andre, "I'm so glad you're home." I'll second and third that!

I'm loving the Martin Mansion set already. I can't wait until it's completed.

Am I the only one who suspects Brady carries a "Theresa Checklist"? On it would be one column in which he can make a tick mark if she does something he approves of, and he can use the other side for when she's misbehaving.

Poor, Will! It sounds like he needed a Ricola.

I LOL'ed at Anne calling the Kiriakis Mansion the "house of judgement and slut-shamming." Chase and Ciara calling each other "bra" and "sis" was extremely cute. I wonder if they'll be that sweet next month?

On the topic of "extremely cute," Chad is the bestest ever! He took time out of his police evading to give a homeless woman a scarf and thank his dad for the heads-up. #classact

I'm getting along with Rafe and Marlena these days and disagreeing with Justin. What's happening!?

That homeless guy prattled on about brainwashing. He may not be that crazy. He may have met Stefano and Dr. Rolf.

I know I'm terrible for admitting this, but I can't take Bo seriously in that mask. I'm waiting for him to ask for some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of October 5! I'm off to YouTube cat in boxes videos to lift my spirts because, based on the previews for next week, we'll need all the laughs we can get. With that, Laurisa will be back with boxes of tissues next week. And, "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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