Look around, everywhere you turn there's heartache

Holy messed up matrimony, Batman! Abigail wants a married Austin, who's having marital problems. Brady proposed to Madison, but she already has a husband. Sami kicked Rafe out. And John and Hope are married!

Well, Valentine's Day in Salem will certainly be interesting this year! Will John buy flowers for Marlena or Hope? Will Madison send a card to her hubby or potential fianc? How about Abigail -- will she boil a bunny for Carrie or simply continue to stalk Austin? One thing's for sure, FebruarySweeps is officially upon us! Things were certainly shaken, stirred, and drank straight out of the bottle. Let's discuss!

BO, HOPE, JOHN, and MARLENA First and foremost, I am starting a petition. I want to ban the writers from showing a submarine sex flashback. I think we can all agree that doesn't need to be revisited. Don't worry. I'll give you all a moment to stop shuddering.

Now, at one point last Monday, I wanted to jump on a plane, fly to Salem, grab the damn envelope from Hope, and rip into it. Thankfully, Alice sent Fancy Face another divine sign, and Hope tore into the ber-hyped envelope. Lo and behold, it was a marriage license for Hope and John. Twist!

I'm on the fence about this. On one hand, it beats watching vets sitting around reading love letters. I like the idea that there will be action and adventure via John and Hope's journey to Alamainia. I also like that this storyline encompasses so many characters. Plus, there is some valid history behind it, although revisiting the Pawn and Princess Gina wasn't exactly at the top of my wish list, but that's neither here nor there.

On the other hand, I have a few complaints (as if you didn't think I would!). For starters, I can't fathom why Alice would keep this secret, especially given the fact that her own marriage was once deemed invalid. You'd think after that headache she'd be more gung-ho to ensure Hope's marriage was legit. Perhaps she was trying to spare her heartache, but there was some mighty flawed logic in her decision that makes me think Mrs. H might have enjoyed a little bourbon with her coffee and doughnuts.

Next, and just so it's clear, since the re-launch last September, the writers have been crafting storylines concerning secrets Alice kept. As it turns out, John and Hope were married in Alamainia. Although not confirmed, I'm making an educated guess that "Alamainia" is where the Alamain family lived. I know characters referred to Lawrence's country as Alamain Land, but a re-write isn't exactly something the writers shy away from. I mean, just a few months ago, Dr. Dan turned out to be Maggie's son. So, it's plausible that "Alamainia" is the same as "Alamain Land."

With that said, why, oh, why would the show write out Vivian? Wouldn't it make more sense to have an actual Alamain around? It would have given Louise Sorel a fresh new storyline to tinker with, and Vivian some potentially great scenes with her "nephew," John. I feel jilted.

Finally, do John and Marlena or Bo and Hope really, I mean, really, need an excuse to have another wedding? Both couples wed and/or renew vows like it's going out of style. And let's face it, we're most likely going to get some lame "no one could make it because of such and such" type excuses to explain why John and Marlena are getting married in their living room in front of a few extras, but no family members. Ugh.

BRADY, MADISON, and IAN Gee, I wish Brady would learn how to romance a woman. I mean, where was Madison's favorite band to serenade them during dinner? Why didn't he get her chocolates in a heart-shaped box? And a white dove release and some fireworks would have been nice as he proposed. Well, on second thought, a bird release and fireworks at the same time might get a little messy, but I digress.

Brady put together a beautiful night for Madison, who didn't completely look like a hooker. That was a treat in and of itself. The not so special treat is that she never gave him an answer. But that might have had something to do with her husband, Ian.

You see, Madison's mystery advisory is her hubby. Her spouse. The mister to her missis. And so far he reminds me of a cross between Hannibal Lecter and the husband from Sleeping with the Enemy. Of course that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Salem is in dire need of another sinister citizen. Stefano can't do all the heavy lifting himself. Kate does take some scheming off Stefano's shoulders from time to time, but we need some fresh, focused bad guy blood to shake things up, particularly if shaking things up means I don't fall asleep during Madison and Brady's scenes anymore. Although, I will miss those catnaps. Anyway!

Ian's presence has already made Madison's character more interesting. Since her arrival, she's basically been a businesswoman with a bit of relationship-phobia. She was vulnerable with Brady on occasion, but Ian brought out a level of vulnerability in her that I haven't seen before. I'm intrigued on how she got involved with Ian, and what kind of leverage he has over her that turned her subservient and spineless in his presence.

Most of all, Ian Buchanan is a great catch for DAYS. The guy has proven acting chops. Why not add more talent to an already talented cast? That's clearly a win/win for everyone!

SAMI, RAFE, CARRIE, AUSTIN, and ABIGAIL Sami is a cheater. She has no room to judge. I fully recognize that. However, she does have room to be pissed. She walked in on Rafe and Carrie playing tonsil hockey. That's not cool.

I'm mean enough to say I found some joy in watching Rafe suffer. Mr. Perfect needed a humility check. Sami is still wrong, but so is he. Should she ultimately be more willing to forgive him given her own dirty, dare I say dirtier, secret? Perhaps, but unless you're tuning into DAYS for the first time, most recognize that Sami has a slight problem with forgiveness (Please Reference 1993 until, well, now).

So, sure, Sami's tirade to both Rafe and Carrie was filled with hypocrisy and some off-base claims, but I absolutely cheered when she tore into Carrie. My favorite part was when Rafe tried to defend Carrie by stating she's not the type who would cheat, and Sami replied, "Actually, she is, Rafe." Snap, girl! She got to remind her sis that her halo has long since been tarnished. I was waiting for that one to come out, but I just wish Sami would have named Mike to ensure maximum pain was inflicted.

Sadly, I was feeling Austin's pain the most. That was the second time Carrie has cheated on him. Abigail was absolutely wrong to lie to him. Her actions caused Austin a lot of guilt, and prompted him to react differently than he would have had he known the truth. He had a valid reason to be furious and kick Carrie out, but he didn't feel he could as he felt he was just as wrong. Carrie should send a thank-you note and Edible Arrangement to Abigail -- and Austin's guilty conscience.

Conversely, Crazy Abigail is kind of amusing. She's very Alicia Silverstone in The Crush. Prior to her newfound flair for the insane, she really didn't have much of a personality. Ergo, I'm fine with watching her go a bit batshit for the time being. Her lies will eventually catch up with her and she has a great support system to eventually fall back on, so in the meantime, I say go out and scheme, you crazy little co-ed.

LOOSE ENDS In case anyone was worried, Mel and Abigail are BFFs again. Abigail even gave Mel permission to date Chad. Umm, where has he been, by the way? Anyhow, they've made up, and Abigail even told Mel about her man, who she thinks is "the one." I'm not Celeste, but I have a feeling Abigail is eventually going to use Mel's guilt to her advantage. Perhaps she'll enlist Mel's help in covering her tracks, and Mel will have to go along with it because, you know, that's what a bestie would do.

I enjoyed Austin's conversation with Kate and Stefano. Seeing characters mingle who don't normally share a lot of screen time together is a treat. Although, it does kind of crack me up when some characters casually chat with Stefano as if he's the kind old guy in the cardigan from Werther's commercials. Just once I want someone like Austin to say, "Hey, Stef, remember that time you kept my wife's father hostage for seven years?"

I know Abe and Lexie's marriage is good now, but am I the only one who remembers all of the hardships they've gone through? Surely if Abe can forgive her for cheating, um, three times, I think Lex should be able to throw a bit of forgiveness his way once his indiscretions come out. Just saying.

HOT: The storyline might be a little whatevs, but I loved seeing Kristian, Peter, Dee, Drake, Joe, and Lauren all on my screen at the same time! The scene really didn't go anywhere, and I think the characters even commented that it was a waste of time for them to go to Stefano, but I loved the banter and catty comments. Joe and Lauren's reactions were especially hysterical. More, please!

NOT: Um, dear, Marlena, it's actually not fine and dandy for Carrie to have feelings for Rafe. I really thought I was hallucinating during those scenes. I re-watched them again. Marlena didn't encourage Carrie to cheat, but she pretty much gave her a free pass and even a little encouragement to explore how she felt about Rafe. Good call, Doctor Evans, but perhaps as Marlena Evans, a.k.a. Sami's mother, she could have said something along the lines of, "Your acting like a ho again, stop it!"

LINE OF THE WEEK: Sami (to Carrie): "You had your tongue in my husband's mouth, and I'm the one who is nuts!?"

RANDOM THOUGHTS: Hmm, I'd have to dig into my DAYS books or surf YouTube, but I don't exactly remember Carrie playing at the DiMera Mansion as a child.

What happened to the daily previews?

D'oh! I can't wait for Stefano to open his envelope.

I love that John stole one of Stefano's cigars. Ha!

The music during Brady and Madison's Segway date reminded me of a '70s sitcom theme. I was waiting for Schneider to pop up in the background.

Abigail said, "Maybe I should stop talking to myself because no one dates a crazy lady." Spoiler Alert: even if she didn't talk to herself, she's still a bit crazy.

Hmm, I wonder who the witness was who signed John and Hope's marriage certificate. Is it too much to hope Vivian will make a cameo!?

PARTING THOUGHTS: So, friends and DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of February 13! Laurisa will be back next week to report if Cupid had the nerve to show his little cherub face in Salem for Valentine's Day after all the shenanigans he pulled last week. And, "That's a fact!"

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