Worst Husbands Club: Coveting, Chinese food, and friend-zoning

Any B&B husband could be the worst husband ever. But should Brooke tell Ridge to shove his job (and marriage) where the fortune cookie cracks? And is wannabe husband Carter setting himself up to fail by coveting another man's wife? Can these men have their lo mein and eat it, too?

Worst. Husband. Ever.

When I say "worst husband ever," that could describe any B&B husband, really. Take Liam, for example. He dropped his wife again at a moment's notice to drive across town to Malibu to hear something Steffy could have said on the phone -- or in person on her way to LAX. It wasn't like she was asking for Liam's blessing to take Kelly anywhere, anyway. Does she ever?

By worst husband, I might mean Eric, the husband playing Pickleball all over that glorious body of Donna's. I could mean Ridge, the husband who abandoned his wife and later turned her away for a friend's night in with his ex and BFF, Taylor. Did I mention Liam already, the husband who had the gall to tell Steffy that he was with her no matter where she was? Words one should only say to his wife, but it's okay that he says it to his ex because "Kelly."

Liam's bad, but right now, I'm talking about Carter Walton, the wanna-be hubby who wonders when it will be his turn to walk down the aisle (and later file papers in divorce court). Carter said he'd presided over many marriages, but I think he forgot that he's presided over his share of annulments and divorces, too. After presiding over marriages from beginning to end, what makes him think the grass is greener on the married side of the fence?

Carter wants to be a husband in the worst way. He's going about it in the worst way, too, barreling toward the worst marriage to the worst woman -- Paris, who claims that she's single and ready to mingle. Maybe she was just telling Zende that because she didn't want to marry him, but after Paris went through three crushes in one year, she might not be marriage material.

Carter thinks marrying Paris will make her forget his feelings for Quinn -- well, he should ask Liam and Ridge how that's working out for them and their wives and exes. Furthermore, Carter has married enough triangle grooms to their second-choice brides to know that rushing down the aisle toward a booby-prize wife won't make his feelings for Quinn disappear.

Lawrence Saint-Victor's heartfelt portrayal of Carter's deepest desires might have moved this viewer to tears had I not remembered that Carter was once in love with Maya, who had been with Rick Forrester. Carter fell in love with Zoe, who had been engaged to Thomas Forrester. Carter was in love with Quinn -- Forrester. And then there was Paris, dating another Forrester.

Are we seeing a pattern here? Does Carter want to be a husband in the worst way, or does he want to beat a Forrester male in the worst way? If Eric leaves Quinn for Donna, we might learn soon enough whether Carter loves Quinn or the chase. Carter's willingness to drag an innocent young woman into a loveless marriage just to hide his lust for another man's wife makes Carter the worst husband ever even before he takes vows.

Donna wouldn't call herself a homewrecker, but she can't help but dream of Eric kicking his wife to the curb. If he did, it would save Donna on gas money and having to sit in hot L.A. traffic in a dark trench coat and lingerie. Lord knows she needed to freshen up a bit before busting that coat open after stewing in car sweat.

If Eric were to leave Quinn, it ends the competition for Donna. Donna could work out less, return to optional shaving, and enjoy a few lemon bars from time to time. For anyone interested, it takes a lot of work for Jennifer Gareis to make Donna Logan look so ultra-fine. Gareis outlines her lingerie-scene workout routine on her Instagram account.

Fans are torn about whether Donna is a homewrecker and about whether she and Eric are wrong for their secret affair. Some say that Quinn has learned her lesson and has become a devoted wife. Does she deserve for Eric to cheat on her, or does she deserve for him to be honest with her about his feelings?

Fans like me, I say, "Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!" Donna ain't got time to lose a kneecap. She needs her knees for Pickleball. Besides, I am a firm believer in karma. Let Quinn find out the way Eric found out -- in the most humiliating way possible via Brooke. Vows renewal, anyone?

The writers ushered Jacqueline MacInnes Wood's maternity leave in with the most predictable exit ever. Of course, Steffy goes to Paris will all the kids, making the decision without consulting Liam -- and expecting him to be okay with it -- which, of course, he is fine with, as he is every single time she up and does it. This time, leaving was on the advice of her mother, who believes that getting away and not being surrounded by all things Finn and family are the ways to heal.

This is coming from the doc who probably just wants free reign to continue to raid Kelly's closet. Are my eyes deceiving me, or are all of Taylor's clothes two sizes too small, kind of like the size of her brain? Steffy said that leaving town was like running away, but Taylor denied it, swearing by the healing effects of a new perspective. How'd that work out for Taylor, who got away as far away as Africa to escape Bridge and returned to town just as in love with another woman's husband as she'd ever been?

That's just the way the fortune cookie crumbles, and Taylor shamelessly uses her daughter's loss to creep closer to Ridge because, as parents, they need time alone together, eating Chinese food with their dirty feet on Eric's white furniture in order to process the decision they forced Steffy to make in leaving town when she wanted to stay, grieve, and have a memorial service. I bet if she stayed, she'd find out about Finn. Steffy will be mad as hell if Finn reappears while she's away, and she'll probably wish she never listened to her mother, just like she probably wishes she hadn't listened to Taylor on Christmas Eve about Sheila.

Ridge cracked open his fortune cookie after dinner with Taylor, and the meaning of his fortune went right over his head. Taylor's went over hers, too, but it's not surprising, considering the wind tunnel up there. Never fear. Madame Chanel is here to interpret the great fortunes of Tridge.

First up is Taylor's fortune. It said that if she wants to find herself, she needs to play hide-and-seek alone. In other words, Taylor, get lost. Scram. Go play hide-and-seek alone because no one's looking for you. Or better yet, go play in traffic. Seriously, maybe it's telling her she'll always be alone if she keeps seeking another woman's husband.

As for Ridge, his fortune stated that if he wants a best friend, he should be a best friend. In other words, Ridge needs to stop the in-between garbage. He should be Taylor's friend or get a divorce and be Taylor's husband. He should stop leading this woman on, end her decades of longing, and choose already if Brooke is ding-dong dumb enough to let him make her into a contestant in a pageant she already won.

I would say that Taylor has some nerve, thinking she has dibs on Brooke's husband, but Ridge is the slug that puts the mother of his grown children ahead of his wife, the same wife whom he abandoned for months over an event that was out of Brooke's control. He cried with Brooke, sorry he hadn't been there for her, but then he tells her that she has to leave and wait her turn while he eats with Taylor and laughs about how they once taught Thomas to use chopsticks.

Ridge claimed that he and Taylor needed time together as parents. To do what? Rub each other's knees and talk about how great they are? Meanwhile, Brooke has cut off communication with Deacon out of respect for Ridge as he sucks up Taylor's noodles, telling her how much he needs her in his life. And yet, Deacon is the problem in the Bridge marriage?

No, Ridge, your malignant ego is the problem. It's a cancer on the marriage, and it's time for Brooke to walk away forever. I've been a Bridge fan ever since these two laid eyes on each other, but Ridge has taken it too far, treating Brooke like a common nine-to-fiver, not the woman he vowed to forsake all others for.

There might be a method to Ridge's arrogance. After all, why make a choice when one really doesn't have to? Ridge used to feel the need to hopscotch between marriages and divorces with these two women, but Liam showed Ridge a new way -- the way of the BFF and blended family, a.k.a. husband sharing.

Ridge learned that having a child with his ex is like wife kryptonite. It renders a wife powerless to assert herself or complain about her husband's feelings for his ex. In fact, it gives him a free pass to do with his BFF ex all the husbandly things he'd do with his wife -- except have sex -- and the wife must suck it up, sit at home alone, and wait until he has time for her again.

As long as Taylor is desperate enough to take any scrap of attention Ridge gives, and as long as Steffy or Thomas has some tragedy or breaks a nail, Ridge is free to carry on an affair right in his wife's face. I doubt it works that way in return. In fact, we already saw the stink Liam raised when Hope became involved with Thomas, and Ridge would rather lose his pinky finger than let Deacon near Brooke, even if it's to share takeout for the sake of their child.

Spoiler Alert: Spoilers indicate that Ridge makes his choice. An interview in Soap Opera Digest with Thorsten Kaye reveals that nothing is more attractive than a woman who goes for what she wants, but Ridge has one condition -- Deacon is no longer welcome in the house. Of course, that doesn't mean Ridge will stop breaking open fortune cookies with Taylor, does it? Kaye says that Ridge will always have feelings for Taylor but is invested in his marriage.

Ridge's ultimatum will shake things up for Deacon and Hope should Brooke choose to fall in line and let Ridge dictate how her family will operate, even though he refuses to stay away from Taylor, a woman who has chased after Brooke's husband for years. Will Brooke shut Deacon out for Ridge's sake or tell Ridge she'll let him know after her takeout date with Deacon?

Eric makes a "surprising" decision about Donna and Quinn. No matter which woman he chooses, somehow, I already know I will not be surprised. This show often starts, stutters, and stalls out its "romantic" plots. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if Donna and Eric are over and Eric returns to his mundane marriage. Or maybe he does go back to Quinn, Carter goes to Paris, and just when Paris gets pregnant, Quinn finds out about Eric and Donna.

Look for a confrontation between Li and Sheila, too! If you're wondering whether Finn will remain in a coma until Steffy's return, Soap Central's The Scoop spoilers and previews indicate that it might be a romantic summer for Steffy and Finn.

Thanks for getting two scoops deep with me this week. Until we scoop again, stay bold and beautiful, baby!Chanel

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