'Til death us do part

Sally's past her expiration date as Felony Flo's halo shines on. But it looks like Steffy is the cause of death for Thomas using Zoe and Douglas to get Hope! Dig the grave situation with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Were you the best-looking corpse in L.A.? Did you and your bae sort of get back together but not get back together? Did you spill so much tea that Lipton asked you for an endorsement? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Spectra-Buckingham-Fulton clan this week!

It's February sweeps in March, Scoopers! I honestly don't know if sweeps are an actual thing anymore, but back in the dizzay, it was the periods of February, May, and November where soap stories came to a head, and so much ish flew, it was like monkeys throwing their own poo. Sally's death's door saga is rather on life support, but Steffy kicked things into high gear by playing truth or dare! Let's Scoop about it!

SLEEPING WITH MORE THAN THE FISHES

I can't believe it took Shauna to ask the question that keeps going around in my head: "Does Sally really have to move in with Wyatt?" Seriously! If Wyatt is going to fake a reunion with the soon-to-be-rubbed-out redhead, can't he just come over to wherever she lives? Sally did have the presence of mind to ask Wyatt if he was really over Flo, but even with his affirmative, she should have known better.

Girl, the guy ditched you twice for Phoebe's fake mom. He is the last person you should want to spend your final days with. And can I just mention, Sally got her terminal diagnosis in late January. The doc gave her a month to live. She should be dead already! I know soap timelines have rhythms of their own, but the Grim Reaper should have designed Sally's exit outfit by now.

It wouldn't be me if I didn't say I realize storylines are planned way in advance, but having Sally dying of a nameless disease now, of all times, is not the greatest timing. But I digress. One thing I really miss is the chutzpah Sally had when she first came on the scene in 2017. She definitely had the spunk of her great-aunt, down to the mannerisms.

I understand how a death notice would be depressing, but you'd think someone with Sally's temperament and lineage would be living it up 'til the last possible second. Plus, she's been mopey pretty much since the Spectra building fell on her. I still say breathing in all that rubble dust would be the perfect reason for her to be dying. Spectra was super old, and there was probably still some asbestos in the walls.

Anyway, Wyatt is now involved in a mercy coupling, and Bill -- the Dollar Bill -- is "impressed with [both you and Flo] and glad you'll have each other" after Sally bites the big one. Huh? Is Bill keeping his balls in that sex room he had built for Brooke these days? Of course, Bill is grateful Flo saved Katie's life by donating a kidney, but he's the last one who'd be polishing Flo's halo.

I was at least glad that Sally mentioned not wanting to tell her grandmother and sister, but that also doesn't seem in character to me. If Katie is going to continue being "the world's worst secret-keeper," she should just go ahead and track Shirley and Coco down -- and the O.G. Sally while she's at it. My money still says Sally won't die. Bet she'll rally after she has some last-wish baby-making sex with Wyatt!

NICE DAY FOR A BLACK WEDDING

If I had to pick one word to describe B&B so far in 2020, it would be "fruitless." So many story seeds have been presented to us in a major way, only to see none of them sprout. Thomas teaming up with Quinn against Brooke? Nothing. Brooke being tempted by alcohol again? Nada. Zoe being tasked with spying on Thomas? Zilcho. Brooke and Quinn going to war? Zip.

Even the show's two major couples, Bridge and Lope, have been in limbo. All that to-do about Ridge and Brooke signing divorce papers, yet he hasn't even filed them. And Hope caught Liam kissing Steffy, only to kind of have all their lives just go on as usual. Granted, there was movement in the force of the latter, but we'll get to that. I'm just saying, we've been essentially stuck all year. Until now.

Vinny, the drug pusher who made it possible for Thomas to drug Liam with his do-I-make-you-horny pills, has actually grown a conscience. He can't believe Thomas is willing to "crack" Hope by using Douglas! Hmm...maybe we should keep Vinny around for Steffy? He even mentioned that he had to make a decision about his pad if Zoe wasn't going to live there anymore. The guy with no last name has the best continuity!

Speaking of the betrothed, Zoe was coloring with Douglas and offering amusement park trips. Douglas replied with, "Why did Daddy give you such a big ring?" Ah, Dougie...you're Stephanie Forrester's great-grandson, after all. In fact, little Henry Joseph Samiri's been gold all week. Some of his dialogue's been as repetitive as his adult counterparts', but at least it sounds more reasonable coming out of a kid.

Having told Vinny it was time to move things along, Thomas took Zoe aside and told her he didn't want to wait to get married. The ceremony should be tomorrow or the next day! Zoe wavered for about two seconds, recalling Thomas had been obsessed with Hope and would have done anything to bag her. Then she decided it was time to put a wedding on her calendar!

I still can't believe a woman who slinked into town, plotting with a cat like a James Bond villain, would be falling for this crap. And Felony Flo actually had a point -- why would Zoe even get with someone who tormented her? Maybe Ms. Buckingham is into emotional sadomasochism, who knows? There's only one way I can buy this...and that's if it turns out Zoe has been using Thomas the whole time!

Remember, Zoe was supposed to spy on Thomas for Liam and Steffy to determine if Thomas was still fixated on Hope. What better way than to seduce him into marriage, play insecure, and make him think he's calling all the shots? It would be in Zoe's nature to do it, and oh, what joy it would be to find out Thomas the Player has been getting played. That's an old school B&B twist, but a guy can wish.

So, Thomas led Zoe back in to see Douglas and dropped the nuptial news on him like a wedding tent collapsing in a strong wind, knowing the boy would freak. And freak he did. "No, I don't want that!" he cried to Hope. "Mommy, make it stop!" Yeah, Dougster, I've been saying that about this Thomas storyline for months, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Zoe ran into Carter, who's just getting finer with every appearance. The lawyer congratulated Zoe on the wedding, but his eyebrow got stuck in the arch position when she said it had been fast-tracked. Carter was dubious. He had come to the opinion Zoe was being used by Thomas...because he had spoken to Liam and Brooke! When did that happen? More importantly,why would it? Isn't that rather random?

Having fobbed Douglas off on Donna, whose sole purpose on the show anymore is to be a babysitter, Hope flamed Thomas like she was cooking dinner at Benihana. Surely Thomas realized Douglas needed time to get used to Zoe before a wedding could happen! Thomas responded by intimating that Hope was about to get edged out of Douglas' life because Zoe would soon be filling the role of mother figure. Hope didn't like that!

DEATH COMES TO US ALL

Liam brought Beth home to find Hope fuming! She couldn't understand how Thomas could keep doing "this" to his son. "Because upsetting Douglas upsets you," Liam noted. "What [Thomas] wants is a reaction from you!" And Hope was giving it to him. Not only that, but Thomas was still terrorizing his kid. "That's crazy!" Hope balked. She was still keeping watch on Thomas. It wasn't like that at all!

What I keep wondering is, why does Hope continually need convincing that Thomas is playing her like a violin? How many times has she seen proof of it, only to go back to giving him the benefit of the doubt? You'd think she'd at least view his actions through a suspicious lens, given his pattern, yet she doesn't. Liam sounds annoying for constantly setting off alarms about Thomas, but Hope's the real annoyance here.

Meanwhile, Steffy had caught Thomas dangling Douglas in front of Hope and called his ass out on it, and on his wanting a "quickie" wedding with Zoe. She more than once reasoned that Thomas still wanted Hope, as always, evidenced by the fact that he'd designed wedding dresses for both Zoe and Hope. Thomas halfheartedly tried to deny it. "Wow, Liam and Brooke have been right all along!" Steffy realized.

Maybe that's why B&B keeps their characters in the dark for so long, because when those light bulbs finally go on, they're super satisfying. Listening to her brother spout off some bulls**t about how he handed Liam to her, Steffy implied she might have Pam brew up a few gallons of tea to spill. No, Sexy CEO, that's the last thing you do! Pretend to zip it, get the hell out of there, and then 'fess up! What's wrong with you?

This was the wiser course of action, especially since Thomas essentially threatened to expose his own sister if she told Hope and Liam the truth. How's that brother-sister bond workin' for ya now, Steffy? Ms. I Choose Me spat that she didn't need a man in her life and left Thomas in the dust because Brooke and Ridge had to get into the CEO office and argue about Thomas.

I thought there was a deep divide between Ridge and Brooke over Thomas. Yet they acted like they both wanted to get back together. Well, until Brooke disagreed that Thomas marrying Zoe meant he was finally over Hope. Then Bridge butted heads again...until they didn't. They nuzzled and kissed as if signed divorce papers weren't sitting in Ridge's desk drawer. Of course, after seven previous divorces, maybe that doesn't have the same impact.

Over at Reese's apartment, which must be the longest sublet in history, Flo shipped Shidge, but not before Shauna gushed about the "huge sacrifice" Flo was making for Sally. Did I miss the part where it says babynapper accomplices can be canonized? Getting back to Bridge, Shauna admitted she knew Ridge really wanted to be with Brooke. Hey, she's not trying to break Bridge up, which is usually Interloper 101.

Still, Shauna soon sat in the dimly lit flat, even though the bright sun shone outside, and thought back to her smooches with Ridge. If Bridge is really reuniting, and Shauna is resigned to a Ridge-less future, why the flashbacks? We wouldn't be getting that if the Brooke/Ridge/Shauna triangle was over. We'd only be getting that if said triangle was getting ready to fire up again.

Talking of fires, Steffy lit one at the cliff house that could be seen from space. Took her awhile to get to it, since she had to do that whole cryptic going-in-circles, only-hinting-at-the-truth thing that soaps do, or at least this soap, anyway. But Steffy finally stopped squeezing orange and got to the juice -- she had kissed Liam on that fateful date at Thomas' behest, knowing Hope was on her way over. It was staged!

Liam had trouble absorbing that, though I don't know why. Liam could sense every other deception Thomas pulled. So, why did he think the Steam kiss was organic? Good thing Thomas doesn't know about Liam kissing Steffy again later to show her his heart. Kinda goes against Steffy knowing that Liam's heart is with Hope and Beth, right? Another plot point that went nowhere.

Other plot points got repetition. Finding himself alone with Douglas, Thomas convinced the boy he could stop daddy's wedding to Zoe if he got Hope to marry Thomas instead. On cue, Douglas piped up that "I want you to marry Daddy tomorrow." Except hasn't Douglas already expressed that wish at least twice? And hasn't Hope already gently told him "no" more times than that?

Hope almost looked ready to say "yes" -- as Liam stipulated Thomas was slowly driving Hope to do -- when Liam called and summoned her to Steffy's crib toot sweet. Why didn't Liam just tell Hope about Thomas' plot on the phone so she could rip Thomas a new one right then and there? Hope ran off and actually left Beth in Thomas' care! Would you trust this guy with the not-dead baby he kept a secret from you?

Hope got to Steffy's but didn't want to hear it when Steffy wanted to talk about the Lope-splitting kiss. Still, Steffy persisted. "It was a manipulation by me and my brother," Steffy told her former rival. What she had done was unfair -- Lope belonged together! Quite a one-eighty from 2011-2012, when Steffy dabbled in gondolas and kept quiet about fake MRIs to keep Liam for herself. Good on you, Stef! I guess she really is "trying to be a better human," like she said!

So, the truth is out, Scoopers! Do you think Thomas will finally pay for his misdeeds? Will Bridge end up reuniting? Will Zoe and Carter get together? Should Steffy give Vinny a tumble? And will Douglas be able to get enough therapy to undo all the damage inflicted on him by his diabolical dad? Come back from the dead in the Comments section below or the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"Thank you Mike for bringing up the Katie/Nick/Bridget debacle in comparison to the predictable Sally/Wyatt/Flo SL. At least that was a good storyline and boy do I miss Jack Wagner on this show!" -- "Dorinda's Pajamas"

"When Zoe finds out that Thomas is just using her, I hope she taps into her crazy stalker side and shows Thomas he's not the only one who can be relentless and obsessive. After the way he has treated Douglas, I really want to see Thomas get spanked hard and I hope Zoe brings that jerk to his knees." -- "DaffySez"

That would be fun! Now that the cat is out of the designer bag, hopefully Thomas' reign of terror is over for good! The fallout is upon us, so keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember: no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, orientation, or nationality, we're all beautiful.

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