When a 52% match makes you 100% Logan

Flo has probable cause to think she is a Logan, but since when does being a 52% match turn a stranger into 100% family? Flo might be a Logan, but how does being Storm's baby mama turn Shauna into Hope's aunt? When it comes to Shauna, haters gonna hate, and doubters gonna doubt Flo's paternity results this week on the Bold and the Beautiful.

Wyatt shook Flo's family tree, and out fell a Logan. Storm Logan -- the wonderful, protective, loving, attempted-murderer and suicide victim Storm Logan, who was a 52% match with Flo's DNA. Well, Flo suspected that her father might be a serial killer, didn't she? Storm came close. He could have been one if Stephanie hadn't been such a strong old buzzard.

This week, Hope thought she and Flo would merely be "friends till the end," but Hope and Flo learned through an ancestry kit that they are cousins. Hope was about to pee in her pants over the fact that she and Flo have a real connection, and Hope sounded scarier than a Chucky doll when she beamed that she and Flo were more than friends. "We're gonna be in each other's lives forever," Hope eerily concluded.

Hope needs to take advice from Bill and bring it down a notch. A 52% paternal match on a drugstore ancestry kit doesn't make Flo 100% Logan. For all we know, there is still a 99% paternal match sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. Since Shauna slept with any willing man on the strip, the only way to prove that Flo is a Logan is to get a real DNA test done by professionals, not by Wyatt and Flo in a half-lit apartment.

Bill was happier to learn that he isn't Flo's father than he was when he won back custody of Will. He didn't even cut Shauna down to size for verbally attacking him over the one-night stand and baby that he actually did not leave her with. In fact, Bill apologized to Shauna for his so-called gruffness and said it was nice to see her again. Either Bill is "gellin" with new shoe soles, or having Will back in his life really did make him a new man.

Bill believes that he isn't the father, but wouldn't we have liked to have seen Bill assert that he wasn't the father because he'd worn his raincoat and galoshes while in Vegas? "Rain gear" isn't foolproof, but what idiot doesn't suit up while sloshing around in Vegas? Maybe an idiot who thinks being named Storm makes rain gear a moot point.

Let's get two scoops deep into the hot mess that is Shauna's past and the hot mess that being a Logan makes of Flo's future. We'll delve into whether the Logans sisters will protect their baby-napping niece, and we'll puzzle over why in the world Shauna thinks that being Storm's baby mama makes her Hope's aunt, this week on the Bold and the Beautiful.

Bill was full of jokes with Justin, pretending that they needed to draw up a new will to include Flo, but it wasn't so funny when one night in Vegas almost became a lifetime of adult child support for the Great Spencerini, who, after a night of games and passion, did a disappearing act on Shauna more mystifying than any Vegas magic show.

Shauna's act has been pretty good, too. For years, she carried on like Flo's father was some degenerate bad enough for us to suspect that it had to be Deacon Sharpe. When Shauna confronted Bill about their night and supposed child, she made him out to be a complete jackass for doing what millions of single men do in Vegas. Heck, it's what the women do, too, and what Shauna herself was doing right along with Bill.

Now we see where Flo gets it from. Now we see how Flo can participate in selling a baby but then blame it all on the man as if she has no culpability. She gets it from her mommy, who was dancing on tables till dawn, sleeping around, and blaming the men for not sticking around to settle down with the Sin City fun girl.

Oh, yeah, don't judge Shauna because she's a good mother. Eye roll. Whatever happened to us women demanding equality? If Shauna wants to judge Bill for sleeping around on vacation, then Shauna can get judged for sleeping with a man who she knows was only in Vegas on vacation -- without rain gear! She knew it, and she chose to sleep with him. What did she think Bill would do? Take her back to New York like a stray puppy he'd found?

I'll tell you what test Bill, Quinn, and Shauna should get next: an STD test. Shauna might not have given Bill a child, but judging from how many people they slept around with, they could be carrying something they'd contracted. You gotta admit, it's getting kind of gross. Shauna slept with Bill and Storm apparently around the same time Bill slept with Shauna and Quinn. Only Vegas knows who else any of the four of them was also boinking without rain gear.

Upon hearing the results of the ancestry match, Shauna went from hating on Bill for a one-night stand to dreamily batting her eyelashes about the man who'd slept with her for a little while but apparently left her just as thirsty as Bill had. We don't know the nature of Shauna's relationship with Storm, but she says they were just together a few times. So that makes him better than Bill? Storm left and never called, wrote, or looked back, just the same as Bill.

Shauna probably didn't notice that Storm disappeared on her because she'd been so busy having her "fun" and "meeting new people." I think she didn't notice because, even though Storm was nice, he wasn't rich like Bill. Storm was sweet but lacking in the jet and expense account department. Maybe the men's difference in social status is the reason Shauna was bitter about Bill sleeping with her and leaving but not about Storm doing it.

I guess we'll never know how many men Shauna slept with during that time. It had to be more than a few for her to be befuddled by which one could be the father. Let the B&B writers tell it, she found out that she was preggers, threw her hands up, and said, "Oh, well. I don't know who the daddy is, so I'll just be a single mom and growl when anyone asks who Flo's dad is." According to Shauna, hardly any of the men she'd been with had been worth a damn anyway. Which begs the question: why was she sleeping with known losers?

Quinn had a valid reason for not seeking out Bill. He'd told her to abort Wyatt. Shauna does not have a good reason for not trying to ascertain if Bill or Storm could be Flo's father. Bill was a very visible businessman in the world, and Storm was a lawyer who'd be simple to find on the Internet. Instead of sucking it up for her child and contacting the men, it was just easier for Shauna to make Flo feel wrong for wanting to know. Yeah, Shauna is Mother of the Year.

I don't know what to think about Shauna's storyline. So far, it isn't very well put together, and Shauna is coming off as a scatterbrained sleaze. For one, why was Shauna adamant that Flo could never know who her father is? Was it that Flo could never know because, as Bill stated, Shauna didn't even know herself?

Shauna claimed to want to keep the paternity a secret, but the moment Bill walked into the office and barely looked at her, she clawed into him and accused him of leaving her and her daughter. Consistent much? Obviously not, because once she got to Spencer, she went from declaring that Wyatt and Flo were siblings to suddenly being unsure that Bill was Flo's father at all. She sounded pretty sure when she was announcing for the episode cliffhanger, didn't she?

I don't want to hear Shauna's lame story. She had a fling. She got pregnant. She didn't even tell one of the most visible bachelors in the world or Storm, the most decent man she's ever slept with. That's on her. The good news for Bill is that this "Storm" has passed, and it didn't even cost him another sword trinket or beach house.

For now, we Scoopers have to take the drug store ancestry kit results for what they are. After all, B&B is a soap opera. I'll save myself this column's tuition fee to Google University to find out the veracity of DIY ancestry kits or what the heck all the percentages mean. For example, what does the 26% beside the Logan sisters' names indicate?

How did Storm's DNA get in the database? Donna sort of teased the idea that she and her father had set up the Logans' DNA profile in the ancestry system, but how in the world did they, in Dallas, get every family member's DNA to enter, including the dead ones? Why wasn't Marcus included on the profile? And if ditzy Donna set up the profile, how can we ever trust that it's even accurate? Donna can't even hand her sister a glass of water right, let alone run home DNA test kits.

Nope. Not going there. I'm just going to take it at face value that Flo is a Logan. Should have known it, anyway, from that blonde, flowing hair.

Now we can move on to more important issues like the fact that Flo sold her baby cousin to Steffy. Zoe warned Flo to stay away from that whole circle of people, but thanks to Flo's unexplainable gravitational pull, Wyatt and Hope couldn't stay away from Flo. As a result, Flo found her family, but is it worth the price she'll pay once the truth comes out about Beth?

In case you missed it, Zoe attempted to do her daughterly duty and convince Hope to start another family, but all Hope could think about was her unusually strong tie to Flo. Hope is obsessed with Flo. I started to think that if the results didn't get to Hope and Flo soon enough, Hope might learn that she'd just fallen in love with her cousin.

Hope claims that being cousins with Flo explains Hope and Flo's uncanny connection. I never in my life felt unusually drawn to a person only to find out that the person is my cousin who I hadn't yet met. When I am with my cousins, my DNA does not tug beneath my skin, giving into some type of magnetic pull with the DNA in their skin. Just doesn't happen. But, then again, I'm also not crazy enough to try to give my man back to his ex.

When Wyatt and Bill read the results of the ancestry kit, Wyatt told Shauna that she and Flo had a family in the Logan clan. Shauna then introduced herself to Hope as Flo's mother and "your aunt, I guess." I hate to break it to Shauna, but being Storm's baby mama doesn't make her Hope's aunt. When Wyatt learned that he was Bill's son, no one thought that made Wyatt's mother Liam's Auntie Quinn.

Zoe couldn't convince Hope not to commune with Flo. When Zoe and Flo exchanged looks, Zoe saw the determined look in Flo's eyes and knew the jig was up. Later, Xander found Zoe in the middle of booking her itinerary. He asked where they were going. Zoe told him that she was going alone. It didn't seem to him as if she was going for business. Zoe replied, "Sometimes the best place to be is far away."

Does Zoe know that the United States has an extradition treaty with the UK? Unless she plans on taking Julian Assange's old room at the Ecuadorian Embassy, the United States can bring her back to face baby trafficking charges. And if Zoe does want Assange's old room, she should read up on the embassy's rules about pet cats.

Zoe claimed that she has to talk to her father face to face. In the meantime, she asked Xander to alert her if Hope makes any sudden announcements or takes off for Paris. Xander didn't even ask any questions or check any Interpol wanted bulletins. Hate to break it to the young man, but as my favorite comedians, the HodgeTwins, say, "She gone, man. She gone."

Now that Flo knows she is a Logan, how can she bear to keep her desperate cousin Hope away from her only daughter Beth? Without Zoe there to scare some sense into Flo, it might only be a matter of time before Flo confesses to how the mean old Reese forced her to present herself as Beth's mother and help sell Beth to Steffy for a fifty-thousand-dollar bonus.

During some heavily storyline-dictated dialogue, the Logan sisters remembered their dead brother, expressed sadness because Storm had never had a wife and children, and promised to help Hope through her time of grief. The Logan women laid it on thick about how they protect their own, but once the truth comes out about Beth, will they go after Flo for her role in the baby-napping? Or will they circle the wagons around Storm's only child?

I predict that Brooke will aim her blame gun directly at Taylor for arranging the adoption in the first place. The Logan sisters will feel obligated to forgive Flo and protect her because of the ultimate sacrifice Storm made for Katie. Either Zoe and Reese will go on the run, or Reese will go alone, leaving everyone else free to embrace Zoe as just another of Reese's alleged victims. Hope is the bastion of forgiveness, but can she forgive her cousin for lying to her about being Phoebe's mother and for destroying Hope's life for fifty thousand dollars?

According to next week's preview, Unbelievable , the con will be fully exposed, and the hoax is totally busted. Shauna asks Flo why she told people that she was pregnant when she wasn't, and Wyatt can't understand why anyone would lie about that. Flo asks Shauna to go along with it, and Shauna is horrified to learn that Flo stole Hope's baby.

Is the con really going to be fully exposed, or will Shauna go along with the fake pregnancy, forcing us to put up with this baby storyline until Mother's Day?

In other spoilers: Surprise, surprise. Thomas' feelings for Hope are evolving, and Thomas suggests that Hope urge Liam to visit Steffy and the girls in Paris. Thomas also wants to revamp the HFTF line. Liam and Hope discuss telling Steffy about Phoebe's grandfather.

So, yeah... Steffy is about to learn that she's raising a Logan. Will it drive her as crazy as it drove Taylor to learn that Jack was really Brooke's child? Will Brooke and Hope revamp their fears of Taylor being around a Logan baby and try to talk Flo into reneging on the adoption?

Let us know what you think in the comments section. If anyone has done one of those ancestry searches, drop me a line about how the percentages work. Until we scoop again, stay bold and beautiful, baby!

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