B&B exes: Expiration dates required!

Honey doesn't go bad, but exes can sour a good thing in the present. Eric, Xander, and Brooke try to maintain ties to their sexy exes. Some never miss their honey until their plastic bears run dry. Others just need to drain the bear and move on, this week on B&B.

This week, exes were like Visa cards -- everywhere their counterparts' current partners wanted to be. Quinn can't blink without one of her husband's exes cropping up in the mansion, jiggling honey bottles and coquettishly conjuring up ancient memories. Emma probably prefers being with her man to taking pictures of him and his ex in underwear -- well, that might be why Xander became her ex-man, but we'll get to that.

Then there's Ridge, who was falling all over himself to make up with Brooke after the verbal brawl they'd had about Bill. Isn't it uncanny how Brooke seemed to always wind up alone with Bill, the last man her hubby wants her to have anything to do with? There Bill was at Katie's house, on the phone with Brooke when Ridge wanted a hot shower with his hot wife, and at Il Giardino with Brooke when Ridge wanted Brooke to be at the fashion show with him.

Steffy proclaimed that Intimates was all about sparking romance; however, it's anything but romantic when your wife's ex makes her late to your couple's shower, or your boyfriend summons you to where he stands half-naked with his ex. It's not romantic that each time you reach for the honey, you recall that your husband loved him some Donna sticky quickies in the kitchen.

And let's not forget beta Thorne, who, after asserting that he won't stand for being called "little brother" anymore, can't seem to elevate himself to alpha status as long as Katie's ex, the stallion, has free range to ride all over Katie's pastures.

Raise a glass to Steffy and Sally, the only productive ones in the bunch, who, so far, have learned to shove their exes aside in the name of progress, success, and sanity. May Emma continue to follow their lead and not let her new ex lead her around by the bra straps.

Let's get two scoops deep into whether Tennessee is really the place to be if all your exes live in Texas, or is trust in your partner a very underrated thing in Los Angeles these days? Can you accomplish more while single, or is that just a breakup excuse to save face? And lastly, did you see that showstopper lingerie on Jacqueline MacInnes Wood? Yowza! Pregnancy never looked so good as this week on the Bold and the Beautiful!

A good part of the week was like something out of Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None, with the way guests at Eric's little dinner party kept disappearing. The knowing gazes and biting phrases whirled through the air like poisoned daggers that eventually gave way to private conversations soaked in disdain and accusations. The mansion hasn't seen a party like that since Stephanie was the hostess with the mostest hate, jealousy, and secrets.

Guests were puzzled as Brooke shot cryptic retorts Ridge's way, and he took her for a private talk when she began outright defending Bill and getting short with Thorne for jokes about the judge that Thorne claims he hadn't meant to make. She blew off the rest of the dinner in favor of relieving a babysitter that Bill and I agree wasn't even needed. Will has a perfectly good father rearing to shower him with love and money every chance he gets -- literally.

Brooke walked into Katie's house and found that Bill had sent the babysitter home of his own accord. Bill tested Brooke's knowledge of Ridge and Judge McMullen, and by the way Brooke skittered out of there like a drunkard on skates, Bill figured that she had to know something.

When Katie, Donna, and Thorne arrived home, Thorne tried to flex on Bill for relieving the babysitter without permission. Katie was all like, "Actually, I knew." Beta slap down, Thorne! With women in your life like this, you'll never be alpha over Bill -- especially when Katie had already told Bill not to do it and let it go when he did it anyway. Looks like Thorne should have followed Ridge's lead and talked to his wife in private first before opening his mouth to chastise Bill.

Brooke told Ridge that Bill was onto him, but Ridge claimed Bill had nothing on him. Okay, then, why is Ridge having "daymares" of Bill showing up at the fashion show with a police officer and handcuffs engraved with "Poser" and "Dressmaker"?

Bill was counting on cracking Brooke by playing upon her sympathies. When Brooke appeared to be a harder nut to crack than Bill anticipated, he turned to Ken, the "I-Tea" guru, to break into Judge McMullen's phone. Ken got in the device easily enough, but what will he find? Boring briefs? Grocery lists? Downloads of Zoe, Steffy, and Sally modeling lingerie?

Remember, McMullen called Ridge an idiot for not erasing his texts, and Ridge had sent those texts from a different phone number. Can what they find on the phone really implicate anyone?

Brooke and Quinn weren't the only missing party guests at the mansion. Donna slipped off to wash dishes and flirt with Eric. When he left to take a call, Quinn charged into the kitchen and cleared out all the spoiled and expired goodies Donna had tried to serve Quinn's husband.

Donna decided she'd just make sure no one was listening in the next time she was alone with Eric and honey. Pouring out the honey, Quinn was like, "There ain't gonna be no next time, bitch! The honey well done gone dry!" And the whole time, I'm wondering why Eric couldn't have been so clear himself with Donna, or Sheila, or Pam, or -- need I go on?

Someone who was clearer than glass shards with her man and his ex problem was Emma, who gave Xander the big, steel-toed boot when he thought he could model all over Zoe in public but then sneak off to boink the virgin out of Emma when all the fanfare had finally died down.

Xander was proud of her for asserting that she wasn't ready for sex yet, but I'm proud of Emma for pulling herself out of the ridiculous female competitions that have plagued B&B since its inception. Do you, Emma. You don't need a man who can't keep his eyes in his face when his stalker ex is around, anyway. Remember what happened with Jonathan?

Uh, writers, will we ever learn what happened with Jonathan?

By the way, we had a fashion show, everyone. It crept up on us mid-week while Steffy and her crew were doing nothing different than usual -- taking pics for professional use in what amounts to a fashion storage area, pushing racks of generic lingerie from one side of the room to the other, and chatting about what a great job they are doing.

I'm not sure what to say about the Intimates showing. I mean, it was bras and drawers. Enough said. Like Brooke told Ridge, lingerie is a commodity. You can get it everywhere. What you can't get everywhere is hope for the future -- literally.

Steffy claimed to be trying to sell romance, but what I got from the show was boardroom-to- bedroom BDSM on a weeknight. Don't get me wrong. We can all use some boardroom-to-bedroom on a weeknight. The BDSM part? You do it first before I commit.

The business theme for the show was inspired, and what pretty much made it worth the viewing were the accessories, pulled together by Quinn. The best executive decision Hope ever made was hiring the Fullers. Too bad Hope's budget has been slashed so deep that she won't be able discover talent like that again, but I digress.

Also worth the viewing are our talented actors and actresses who get to play model for a day in order to bring us the fashion shows we covet. Everyone shined, but Steffy, Sally, and Zoe actually twinkled, too. I'm jealous of Courtney Hope. Let me just leave it at that.

The most amazing part of the show was watching Jaqueline in the showstopper and realizing that she was in a three-piece lingerie set, pregnant as all get out, and looking so, so fine and sexy! Wood is a bad Mama Jama.

Kudos to wardrobe because, if I didn't already know she was pregnant, I would not have known due to that very well-placed garter belt. Congratulations, B&B team. Well done on hair, makeup, and clothes, and a special well done for theme, jewelry, and accessories.

The only thing is -- someone tell Wyatt that it's "Forrester Creations," not "House of Forrester."

Brooke didn't bother with the show. She had to be there for her daughter -- who didn't bother with letting her mother be there for her. Hope bailed out on lunch because she was feeling ill. Emma didn't bother with the show, either. She has evidently seen enough of Xander and Zoe in their drawers to last a lifetime.

Besides, is it proper etiquette to attend a lover's big event and then dump them, or should one warm him up for the dump by not showing up to the event? This week, Emma taught me that she does have a mini-Justin inside her, and to that I say, "Nice to finally meet you, Miss Barber!"

Attention! Attention, please! Clean up on Aisle Heartbreak. Clean up on Aisle Heartbreak. What's that? Zoe is already there, wiping up the mess Emma made of Xander's heart? Figures.

We had to know something was amiss when, while working with Xander earlier in the week, Danny commented that Xander and Zoe had dated. Xander said it was crazy that they'd wound up in the States, working for the same fashion house. Danny said that some would call it fate, and Xander nodded in agreement. Yeah, Xander. Stalker-fate would be more accurate.

Xander had it right the first time. It was crazy. Not crazy-coincidental, but crazy-cuckoo. Zoe flew halfway around the world to try to revive a relationship after Xander had packed up everything but the cotton balls when he left her. She sneaked into the fashion show and stole her way into the spotlight. What is coincidental about that?

But the writers don't want us to think Zoe is a jealous stalker ex anymore. You can tell by the way they brush off that cyberstalking thing she did to Emma and try to make Emma look bad for still feeling some type of way about the fact that people act like Zoe never terrorized her.

Of course, any fictional ex (cough, cough, Brooke) might have the illusion that they can just walk back into their former lover's life and turn everything upside down "just like that," but B&B gives exes a lot more power than they deserve.

I've said a thousand times before that the men in these plots become hormonal pendulums, void of independent thought. So dumb are the men that, instead of pumping the brakes on a dangerous ex like Sheila or Zoe, the men welcome them into their homes and jobs with the idiotic belief that nothing bad or improper will happen. The men in these scenarios seem weak, waffly, and misogynistic.

Usually, the current love interest has to put up with the ex's interference and even compete with the ex. This year, starting with Steffy, it's been different-- so far. Steffy de-triangled herself, and Emma just set herself free from the entanglement with Zoe and Xander. It will be a welcome trend to see more female characters empowered with Steffy's "I choose me" motto.

The question I wonder is whether Emma really means it. If Emma really wants to concentrate on dance and her career, she needs to work for Spencer. Staying in Xander and Zoe's orbit at Forrester will ensure that Emma floats in the dead space around them, just watching as they gravitate to each other and rekindle their love affair.

Is it fair that Emma should have to give up HFTF because of Zoe and Xander? Emma idolized Hope as a role model and deserves to be at Forrester. Even so, I believe in the song lyric "All my exes live in Texas. That's why I hang my hat in Tennessee." I have never maintained a friendship with an ex. Maybe that's because I've watched B&B since I was about fourteen, and it taught me that I'd rather be in the Bermuda Triangle than a love triangle.

Is Emma really going to concentrate on her career and dance, or was it just an excuse to break up with Xander? If it was an excuse, Emma will be even more miserable because, unlike Steffy, Emma won't have anything to throw herself into or to nurture.

It will be enlightening to know what you scoopers think. Is Emma sincere about her reasons for the breakup, or is she really covering for her to save herself the heartache of watching Xander slip away from her?

Donna claims honey never expires, but does anyone know how old that damn honey bottle is? It could be emitting carcinogens. Eric can't like honey all that much if that exact same bottle has been in his cabinet for over a decade! Was Will even born before that bottle was put in there?

Donna sounded like a professor at Google University when she was all, "Honey doesn't go bad. It crystalizes." I'm serious. It's the first thing I saw when I Googled it. Before she and Quinn got all scientific about the honey, I thought it was just a newer bottle. If it really wasn't, Linda needs to be fired. Rich people don't keep stuff that long, whether it goes bad or not.

It doesn't matter because it's gone now, just like Donna's feelings for Eric and Eric's for Donna ought to be. Donna was a trip, standing there, all innocent as if she just wanted to wash dishes and pack up food, but "Off-the-beam" Quinn was terrorizing her. Boo-freaking-hoo, Donna. I call what Quinn did "standing your ground," and it was very necessary, since, as usual, Eric stood there like a single man, letting Donna flirt with him in his wife's house.

In my last column, I said how I feel about Eric not standing up for Quinn, but I didn't expect it to get worse. Eric has a "family" dinner that he doesn't invite Quinn's son to, but Eric's two ex-wives are front and center. I understand Eric wants everyone to get along, but why does he never tell the others to get along with Quinn? Why didn't he tell Donna that she needed to make a U-turn because their memory lane is a dead-end road? We all know why, and Quinn will be the one to suffer for it to feed his ego.

What a complicated life Brooke leads. One sexy man invites her into a hot shower. Another calls her and says he's lying in bed. When Bill said that, my first thought was, "Is this an invitation? Do I have time to get that Ridge shower first?"

Of course, Bill was all about his business while he was lying in bed, but you can't tell me that he didn't say that to Brooke to turn her on a little. Just a little.

The pull for Brooke between Ridge and Bill is real. I can feel it from here. May the force be with Brooke because choosing between these bad boys is just impossible. Brooke is in love with Ridge. I believe it. She didn't leave him after he bribed the judge, and she's been thus far willing to cover for him. But who knows how long Brooke can hold on? She resents the position she is in, and it's made her so upset that she's starting to dredge up hurts from the past.

Brooke loves Bill. I believe that, too, but the kind of connection she has with Bill is unsustainable while she's married. Bill is using that connection to get justice, and to be fair, Brooke isn't acting on taboo feelings. She has been adamant that Bill stay away from her. Is she being that way because she's devoted to Ridge, or because she doesn't want to see Ridge in prison?

The actors in this storyline have been outstanding. Brooke and Ridge's arguments seem lifelike, and her irritation with him but love for him is palpable. At one point, he told her that he didn't want anything to break them apart. She replied, "I don't, either. I don't," and it sounded almost like a plea. Seeing her like that with Ridge makes it hard for me to believe that Bill can pry her away from the Dressmaker. Unless Ridge is in prison, that is.

Bill is determined to get to the bottom of the judge mystery, but would he really hurt Brooke and Steffy by sending Ridge to prison? This whole thing reminds me of the dilemma Liam faced when he had to decide whether to press charges against Quinn. If Ken somehow recovered text messages from Judge McMullen's phone, Ridge is bread, and Bill is the toaster.

How funny is it that Ridge, who has dogged Bill for something Bill didn't even do, suddenly wants to appeal to Bill's sense of righteousness? Ridge never believed that Bill was turning over a new leaf -- as Ridge shouldn't -- but I chuckled when Ridge was telling Brooke that Bill wouldn't turn him in because Bill had turned away from the path of vengeance.

Hee-hee...Hey, Ridge, nobody outsmarts Dollar Bill, but Dollar Bill just might outsmart you.

According to next week's preview video, it isn't what Bill finds on Judge McMullen's phone. It's what Bill installs on the phone that could be the end of Ridge. Bill and Justin conduct the ultimate sting operation that could land Ridge and the judge in prison, next week on the Bold and the Beautiful!

As you know, we'd love to hear your take on the week. Leave us a comment below. Until we scoop again, congratulations, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, on your new son! Stay bold and beautiful, baby!

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