Ain't that a kick in the head

Almost everyone deserves another shot. Katie got one from Thorne while her Watie tears were still warm. Emma got one after a she-bop to Xander's face. But gun-toting Sally literally tried to give one to a blameless Wyatt! Take aim with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did a trip to Babies"R"Us dissolve your need to make a fuss? Did your new coworker think you were a knockout? Did you mark Father's Day by paying for the sins of your father? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant-Spectra clan this week!

All right, Scoopers: last column I bitched again that B&B needed to stop focusing on any one story for weeks at a time and shake things up with some rotation. We can check that one off; praise the soap gods for listening! We still got Leffy/Lope Lite, but we also got Katie enjoying an insta-triangle, new interns Emma and Xander making waves at Forrester, and Sally returning to L.A. on a bullet train! Let's Scoop about it!

RIPPING OFF THAT BAND-AID

Mama Bear Brooke (sans bear costume, thankfully) served up tea and wisdom to a bummed-out Hope but lost her maternal way a bit, blaming her daughter's troubles on Wyatt. Even Hope called B.S. on that one, saying Wyatt did the right thing by telling the truth about Bill's interference! How refreshing was it to not see Bill this week, anyway? I'm really not sure where that character can go from here; he needed a break.

After the latest months-long Leffy/Lope saga, seemingly over because Hope set Liam free to be with his daughter and her mother, I really wasn't down with watching Hope sitting around moping, entitled as she may be. I mean, usually a trio gets backburnered once its central figure chooses a definite partner. So, it pleased me when Hope ditched Brooke's suggestion of an extended sulk-fest and vowed to get on with her life.

And move on Hope did! Into masochism territory. Following on the heels of Brooke, who loves babies almost as much as weddings and paid a visit to Steffy and her newborn, Hope turned in her "now serving" ticket for admission into Babyland. I'm not clear on why Hope did that. Was it her way of trying to let go of Liam, forcing herself to see his new family unit up close to drive home the fact that Lope really was over for her?

I don't know, but there was such a huge elephant in that room that you couldn't even smell Kelly's diapers. Steffy looked back over her tense labor, lamenting, "The thought of losing another child..." Shouldn't an "Oops! Sorry, Hope!" have followed? Hope only lost a baby, too, and it's the one subject that never comes up on this show. You'd think Hope would express the bittersweetness of Kelly, given her own loss.

Or maybe that's why Hope went to see the baby -- to find some healing somehow. Inevitably, Liam, who has been AWOL re: HFTF for weeks on end, came home with a car stuffed with baby stuff. No wonder Hope essentially fired him from the line, citing not being able to see him every day given how the marry-go-round turned out. Healthy, actually, but it's not like Liam did much of anything for Hope for the Future anyway.

Hey, both the Spencer bros are out of work now! Maybe they should buy a business together. A pizzeria, maybe. Liam could make pepperoni out of tofu and Wyatt probably still has his Mario Bros. mustache from his delivery games with Katie. As for the Forrester/Logan stepsisses, I thought Steffy was very compassionate and Hope very mature. It's strange, but I like to see Steffy and Annika Noelle's Hope getting along!

MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO

Unforgettable Ones Brooke and Ridge are legendary, like them or not, for their 30-plus years of on-again, off-againness. Through the bubblegum pop of the late '80s, the grunge of the '90s, the boy bands of the '00s, and the emo trends of this decade -- not to mention one hella high-profile recast -- these two have changed marital statuses faster than some people swap out their old iPhones for new models.

So that explains Steffy; hot-and-cold relationships are in her DNA. But Liam's mom Kelly (Cooper not Hopkins) must have been his flighty example. After all, Bill is many things, but when he's devoted to a woman, he's actually devoted. Mere weeks after proposing to Hope -- which Liam pulled when his marriage to Steffy wasn't even officially annulled yet -- Liam got off cheap, using Steffy's still-worn ring to pop the question.

I'm sorry, is there a reason I'm supposed to care? Of course, Steffy was all teary smiles and repeated yes like it was a meditation mantra, but I just can't take any of it seriously. I'm unable to put any stock in a couple who changes horses this fast. It's like trying to build a skyscraper on ground that has been proven to be prone to earthquakes. (Maybe we'll get lucky, and Bill's building will topple thusly...when empty, of course.)

So, Liam and Steffy are engaged again, and we'll have to watch Liam break Ridge's all-time record by having a second wedding to a second woman within as many months. Forget zip-lining; Steffy could pull a Cirque du Soleil and balance on her attendants' shoulders with one toe, and it still won't catch my attention. Why are relationships always rushed so dizzyingly on this soap? And that's just this week's first.

As for Bridge, Brooke still seemed to express doubt about stepping out of the Lope parade, despite having seen Kelly and telling Ridge that Hope making the same pilgrimage might help Hope let go of Liam. Speaking of whom, Brooke admitted to her sometime son-in-law, "I wasn't there for [Hope] when she needed me most...that's why I fought so hard for the two of you, even after the wedding didn't happen."

It's nice for Brooke to finally offer up an M.O. for her unusually tenacious shipping...but what the hell is she talking about? Not there for Hope how? When? As the baby Brooke got shot snagging a baby bottle for? The toddler that nearly drowned in Nick's hot tub? The teenager that had to endure Steffy's HO for the Future bullying? Brooke Logan is a lot of things, but an absentee mom where Hope is concerned is not one of them.

Rick, Bridget, and R.J. didn't get that much attention! The "I wasn't there for Hope" rationale would have made perfect sense coming from Deacon, but Brooke must have accidentally laced that tea she made for herself and Hope with something goooood. As for Bridge, I'm glad they're cool now; we don't need them scrapping over their daughters. They'll deal with enough when Kelly turns out to be Bill's. You know she will.

YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE A BARBER

For the first time in ages, Justin finally got something to do besides act as Bill's fixer! Yes, it turns out the lovely Emma is Justin's niece. Not a bad idea to extend his family (the guy's been contract for months), but there was absolutely zero build-up to this reveal. Emma was just suddenly on the screen after being absent for weeks, hugging Justin and talking about their familial connection as if it were common knowledge.

Ignoring this important beat, the script instead decided to make Emma's last name of Barber a potential conflict with her internship at Forrester Creations. Justin attributed it to his being on Bill's payroll, but that felt flimsy to me. Coco was a Spectra, and the Forresters didn't care! Well, eventually they didn't. I guess all Emma needs to do is save one of them from a runaway clothes rack.

I like Emma. Though she's the latest new character to come down with Too Much Too Fast disease, she's spunky, cheerful, and yes, a talented dancer like her portrayer Nia Sioux. And we're a week from summer, so her swift resurgence can only mean there's a summer romance brewing. I feel like I should mind more, but it's so nice to see other characters besides Liam, his women, and his father, that I'll green-light this.

It must be destiny, because no sooner did Emma start busting moves for Hope, who actually remembered she had a job (points for admitting she'd "let the whole line slide" during her travails with Liam), than Emma crossed paths with another new Forrester intern with a "secret" that isn't really a secret. Enter Alexander "Xander" Avant, whose deepest darkest is that he doesn't want the Forresters to know he's from England.

Blimey! Is Xander afraid they'll blame him for the Christopher Steele dossier? He even followed in the footsteps of the I-also-didn't-get-a-proper-exit Ivy, who Americanized her voice on the advice of the then-still-quasi-nefarious Quinn. Dude, the Forresters would accept you if your birth name was Xanadu and you made the transition just like your cousin Maya. Country of origin is hardly a worthy secret.

YOU'VE GOT ME KNOCKED...OUT...

Just a little throwback action from Paula Abdul's Forever Your Girl album. Emma must be a fan, since she seemed to communicate that intention over Xander's unconscious body. Let me back up. Probably on the heels of Uncle Justin advising her to stand out at Forrester, Emma deemed the HFTF models' strutting too stiff and sent herself down the runway with attitude and a well-executed ballet move.

Hope couldn't connect modeling with dancing; strange since Forrester was able to incorporate jewelry into couture. The question I have is in incorporating Hope's multiple messages of empowerment and environment into her line. I mean, how is wearing dyed leather fringe at your hips a step toward saving the planet? Anyway, Emma got so into her impromptu dance floor that she accidentally popped incoming Xander in the face.

And this guy went out ice cold. It's a good thing his vocational choice is graphic design, not boxing (and he doesn't want to become a model like most other interns in this outfit). Muhammed Ali would have said he floated like a lead balloon, not a butterfly. If Emma cracked Xander hard enough that his lights went out, you'd think he'd at least have a bloody nose. I'll okay the setup, but the execution was pretty wobbly to me.

How did Hope not have a king-sized dj vu witnessing this scene? Wyatt hovered over her like Emma hovered over Xander, and almost exactly five years to the day of Wyatt's first appearance at that. Letting Hope handle the dirty work of getting help, Emma gave the motionless Xander her best "MMM-hmm I like some o' DAT" look. I'm surprised she didn't kiss him like Wyatt did with Hope.

So, Xander came to, and with enough presence of mind to immediately affect his U.S. accent for Emma and Hope. And the Avants, who had received word their nephew/cousin was already in distress. We now know Julius has a brother (Claude) and a sister-in-law (Maisie), which are cool blank-fillers. But then Julius snarked that Claude didn't know the first thing about hard work. Can you even believe the irony?

Make that eight-irony -- Julius hasn't done boo except play golf since moving to town. (I bet I know who his idol is.) That reminds me...are Maya's parents still living in that ratchet motel room after three years? Even Viv's sole income from the DMV should afford them a modest home; believe me, L.A. motel rooms are far from cheap. And how come we never find out where so much of the cast is living?

Well, Xander and Emma didn't care; they were already making jokes about their one-two punch of an introduction. I guess their light-speed flirtation is going to be endangered by the reveal of Emma's last name and Xander's Britishness. Makes me wonder: if Emma didn't apply as Emma Barber on her intern application, what name did she use? Her IDs must also bear that fake name for her to get in. Nice try, B&B.

One last item...was anybody else getting flashbacks to Nicole and Zende's first meeting three summers ago? Emder (or Xemma!) looks an awful lot like Zencole so far, and I don't mean because they're all young adults of color; R.J. and Coco traveled this path, too. But not to worry, Emma and Xander -- pretty soon you too will be shipped off, probably by Maya, for parts unknown like Nicole and Zende. It's a tradition!

WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE ISN'T A WAY

Will Spencer speaks! Hey, the kid's almost six in real time, which means he should be graduating college by now. So, it's good to hear he can put sentences together. But his emulating his mother's business call by asking for his father suddenly, and without warning, turned Watie on its ear. Not playing Wyatt's game of "younger demographics," Will blurted out, "You're not my dad; you're my brother!"

"And there it is," Katie pouted once Will was safely under the watch of Pam, who poisons lemon bars. (Will's "Yuck, yuck, triple yuck" review of the oft-mentioned pastry was priceless!) "The thing we'll never be able to overcome." And just like that, practically a year into their coupling, Katie found a curb on Will's behalf and kicked Wyatt to it. "We've reverted to this no-strings model," Katie cried. Which meant no future!

Might be crass here, but is Katie drinking again? She and Wyatt only ended their engagement; it was clearly implied they would continue their commitment while faking Bill into thinking they'd axed it. Katie was even willing to go up against Bill's threat of taking Will away so she could keep Wyatt! And you mean to tell me now Katie realizes "Bill is right" because Will made one comment about Wyatt being his brother?

There are many ways to split up soap couples; this isn't any of them. Last we saw of Watie, they were pulling together after Wyatt telling Liam the truth about Bill's Steffy manipulation got Wyatt booted out of his car, his home, and his office. Where was the tension indicating there was trouble in paradise? Probably somewhere near Katie's logic that Wyatt would be able to take over at Spencer with her out of the way.

Was Katie not listening to herself when she offered to support Wyatt with Bill's money? We should have gotten at least a few weeks of Will resisting Watie's relationship if they were going to check into the Heartbreak Hotel. And you know what? This really sucks for Wyatt. He's always getting dumped! First Hope, then Ivy, then Steffy, now Katie. Good thing he didn't hear Hope saying she'd only ever been happy with Liam.

DO I MAKE YOU THORNE-Y?

Apparently having watched tearful Wyatt's long face exiting Katie's office -- I mean the CEO office, which should only ever be occupied by Ridge and Steffy but always hosts convos from characters old and new -- Thorne abandoned his game of hide-and-seek with Pam and Will to seek Katie and not hide his amorous intentions. Yet nothing was made of Will overhearing that his mom was in "pretty serious" talks with Wyatt.

As if Liam's rubber-coated romances and Emma and Xander's speedy sparks weren't enough, Thorne decided to outdo them all and tell Katie, who, even by Katie's clock, had been broken up from Wyatt for "five seconds," that he had feelings for the youngest Logan sister. What the serious hell? Can't we ever get a couple that spends time leading up to their relationship? What happened to good old anticipatory soap love?

That's right up there with Katie's apt "Just once I wish I could have my humiliating moments to myself; does someone always have to walk in?" query. I had to laugh out loud there, because she was so spot-on. Thorne listened to Katie talk about how, with Wyatt, she'd been able to stand in her own skin and feel good and confident. Which, was, of course, the perfect time for Thorne to lean in and kiss her. Losing your mojo, little brother!

Admittedly, Thorne is a guy very deserving of love. He hasn't had a meaningful connection with a woman since Darla died in 2006 (35 years in soap time); no wonder he's got blue balls the size of Violet Beauregarde's blueberry form in Willy Wonka. And the idea of a Thorne/Katie pairing does have its appeal, even if he'd be picking up another of Ridge's rejects. But this is so not the way to go about it.

And Katie should be ashamed of herself for letting Thorne kiss her mere moments after sending Wyatt packing. Does this mean she never really loved Wyatt? I just don't get it. I would have liked to see a slow burn, with Katie leaning toward Thorne even a few months from now so she can be emotionally free for him. B&B just doesn't believe in doing that with its characters.

It's also too bad Thratie (or Korne!) isn't choosing this time to mention their long-ago flirtation. Even I can't pinpoint when it happened, but somewhere in their past, they did share a kiss; can't remember if it was in the '90s or '00s. Today they have a monster truck rally on the books for a first date, which I'd have believed from Winsor Harmon's Thorne. I can't fathom it with Ingo Rademacher's any more than I could have Jeff Trachta's or Clayton Norcross'.

JANIE'S GOT A GUN

If there's ever been a textbook example of somebody's day going from bad to worse, Wyatt "I Just Got Dumped" Spencer personified it when he went to the still-standing Bikini Bar to drown his sorrows. They were remodeling, but it just now occurs to me that I don't remember the remodel they must have had after Sly Donovan tried to burn down the hotspot with Jessica Forrester and Jasmine Malone inside. I know; so 1996.

So, Wyatt nearly stumbled from the drinks he hadn't had when he found one Sally Spectra -- 21st century version, of course -- boozing like when her namesake cut off Stephanie Forrester's hair. Wyatt thought Sally had moved to NYC with Thomas. When exactly did that happen? Thomas made the offer, but it was during Bill's hospitalization, and Sally and Thomas were ordered by Detective Sanchez not to leave town.

Come to think of it, I'm surprised Sanchez and his superior Baker aren't still on the case. Why have they let the trail run cold? Will Taylor ever pay for her crimes? Of course, the way people wave guns around on this show (that means you, Katie and Sally) like it's just another day, Taylor will probably be a great-grandmother by the time shooting Bill catches up with her.

Well, I just about soiled myself when Sally revealed that Thomas had taken her to the Big Apple, only to dump her again for Caroline! For real? I told you waffling DNA had trickled through Ridge's side of the family tree. I wonder if Phoebe would have bounced between relationships had she lived? Man, I can't believe Thomas -- my tall, hunky, stubbly Thomas -- would do Sally dirty like that. I mean can't-wash-it-out dirty.

But it gets better, Scoopers. Sally had nowhere to go because she had given up her apartment...and Shirley and Coco were gone! So were Saul and Darlita! Are you kidding me? When did that happen? Did they accompany Tally to New York and just decide to ditch Sally when she insisted on coming back to L.A.? I'm sorry, but there's no way this would happen. And, at the very least, Sally could ask to bunk with C.J.

For that matter, why not ask the O.S. (Original Sally) for help? nuSally only ever tried to reboot Spectra for her great-aunt, which led to Bill literally burning down her life. "Every one of you Spencers make me sick," Sally slurred angrily. "Okay, not all," she conceded after Wyatt took umbrage. Hey, Sal, Liam didn't exactly do you over, either; he's probably still got as much concrete dust in his lungs as you do.

Sally was in such bad financial shape that her credit card declined, and she only took Wyatt up on his offer to pay the tab after he practically bludgeoned her into it. Wyatt didn't want to leave Sally to sleep on the beach, so he made his beach house couch available. Hold the phone. Didn't Bill take Wyatt's car, job, and money away? Steffy may have bought the cliff house, but the beach house is still Bill's. Wyatt should be out.

Nevertheless, Ridge and Taylor's original pad became the flashpoint for Sally picking a fight with Wyatt. Refusing to accept his help, she dropped her purse, and all its contents spilled on Wyatt's floor. Lipstick, something that looked like something Sally would need without a man in her life...and a gun. When she picked it up and bemoaned her existence, I thought she was going to shoot herself like Nina did in Ryan's presence on Y&R!

But, no...just over three months after Sally avoided jail for shooting a hole in Bill's skyscraper model, Sally aimed at Wyatt -- who had next to nothing to do with her troubles -- simply because he was Bill's son. Didn't see that one coming! You know why? Because it doesn't track. And isn't this a dicey time for there to be so much gunplay on this show? So far, Sally's return has started out with anything but a bang!

Will Emma and Xander ever survive the scandal of their non-scandalous secrets? Will Thorne ever find a woman who's been single longer than a day? Will Hope ever talk about her miscarriage? And will Wyatt ever catch a break? Talk to us in the Comments section below or on the soapcentral.com message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"Brooke should be telling Hope that she can do better, that she should start dating other men, and find someone who wants only her, and not a waffler. But what would she know, she is married to the king of all wafflers, Ridge. Ridge has been waffling between Brooke and Taylor for decades now. Steffy deserves better, too, and it sure as hell ain't the Dollah." -- Christine

"I don't think Brooke has much respect for her daughter. Why would she deliberately encourage her to debase herself and look like a desperate runner-up. Frankly, what either [Hope or Steffy see] in Liam escapes me entirely. He is hardly a catch, IMO." -- Eileen

As always, thanks for spending a portion of your soap day going over my ramblings. I appreciate it! See you in two weeks, y'all! In the meantime, keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, now more than ever, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, orientation, or nationality, we're all beautiful.

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