The Hotel California

Sexy CEO Steffy moonlighted as a concierge, arranging accommodations and lives for Thomas, Caroline, Sally, and Eric. But wait 'til you see what she considers room service! Check in with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did more than your texting app crash? Did you go to the dark side to win back your baby daddy? Did you hit 'em with your best shot? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Spectra clan this week!

Bang bang, Scoopers! That Jessie J/Ariana Grande/Nicki Minaj cut must be Steffy's favorite song. Ah, Steffy...she never goes anywhere anymore without causing bodily injury. Ivy must be relieved to be out of the line of fire. Unlike Caroline, who was on fire to take her would-be rapist back, and Coco, who was under fire for trying to spell out C-A-M-A-R-O while driving! Let's Scoop about it!

"D" FOR DRIVE, "T" FOR TEXT

Seems like soaps have veered away from it the last few years, but a couple of decades ago, it wouldn't be summer without telling a teen story. R.J. and Coco went retro, not just on the front burner but in one of the classic cars Ridge collects. When did Ridge pick up that hobby? I don't remember him trading Speedos for autos. Anyway, Coco snapped selfies and texted OMGs behind the wheel and soon said FML in the ER.

If you're asking, "Where have I seen this before?" you're not alone. Five summers ago, Marcus was literally all thumbs in the car and ran down Dayzee's friend, the long-missing Anthony. It is rehash, yeah. But, unlike Coco's text, it's a message that still needs to be sent. Smartphones are even more of a thing than they were in 2012, and it's not clear to lots of kids (and adults) that they shouldn't text and drive.

It's just hard to watch these arcs and not have flashbacks to the ABC Afterschool Specials of my childhood. Lt. Baker, who's back after less than a month and thankfully didn't drive while eating a hot dog, reminded us that 3,000 people die each year from distracted driving. Sincere intentions, but it felt a little preachy. And repetitive. No wonder Brooke pinged, not getting answers about the crash over and over.

Seriously, how did Brooke figure out Coco had been texting? What's more, how old are these kids? I think R.J. is 16, and I drove a lot at that age, too, but Coco must be older if she's been to design school. And Lt. Baker is only filing a report? He himself said texting while driving is illegal in California. Wouldn't Coco get points on her driver's license? Plus get in trouble for driving Ridge's car when she's not on his insurance?

I was also surprised that the forthright Coco took so long to admit she'd given her car emoji new meaning, and only because Brooke backed her into a corner. Anyone remember when Brooke's car got hit by a drunken Bill and they lied about it to Lt. Baker? I'm surprised he didn't give La Logan the side eye. And does anyone else see young Rick in R.J. these days? Anyway, guys, don't text and drive. Pull over first. I mean it.

ENTER THE DRAGON

I was beginning to wonder if Thomas and Sally were the only ones working at Spectra, or if Shirley, Saul, and Darlita were chained up in the basement. The trio's brief return reminded me why I wasn't missing them. Darlita's...Darlita, Grams is only groovin' on Thomas because of his infusion of capital, and Saul's jealousy act is as old as last month's bagel. Oy, how about giving these people lives and personalities?

I would have to cop to being Team Tally, but I don't need to see them with their tongues down each others' throats in every scene they're in. It's becoming too much. Get a room, or see if Bill's office sex palace is available. Thomas actually worked, though...designing a dress when he's supposed be cranking out a swimwear line for the Monte Carlo challenge he himself instigated.

After Sally dropped some info on how she'd filled in as a mother for Coco and how she'd worked in Shirley's bakery (if only we could find out where in Florida this was, and where Coco's living now!), Sally engaged in more negative self-fulfilling prophecy, lamenting that the bottom always dropped out for her and wondering when that would happen with her and Thomas. And wouldn't you know, the bottom was on Line 1.

Of course, if Darlita had been at her desk instead of wherever she was...gah, somehow when Darla shirked her duties, it was endearing, but with Darlita, not so much. Anyway, Sally took a call from the returning and newly brunette Caroline. She, Douglas, and Thomas video chat at night, but she had to call daddy at work? Caroline then made the strange move of reminding total stranger Sally that she is Douglas' mother.

Are we about to get a rerun of the Caroline/Maya rivalry? Wonder what kinds of ways Caroline will massacre Sally's name. It just seemed weird for her to be that adversarial right away. Unless...well, maybe it's because a certain sexy CEO has been filling Caroline's ear with all bad things about Tally. That's right, Stephanie was probably applauding from her grave, because Steffy decided to meddle in Thomas' relationship.

Steffy tore so many pages from Gangsta Granny's book, I'm surprised she wasn't wearing a brooch. Just as Queen Stephanie interfered because she didn't think Brooke was good enough for Ridge, Steffy decided Sally wasn't good enough for Thomas and called in Taylor -- I mean, Caroline, to pull at Thomas' baby daddy heartstrings. Now, I loves me some Linsey Godfrey, but I wasn't about Caroline's excessive thirstiness.

I get that Caroline retreated to the Big Apple, confused over Ridge and Thomas and Douglas, and that she resisted Thomas' appeals for a reunion on that basis. But now Caroline misses Thomas and wants him back for herself. So, girl, you're jonesing for the guy that at the very least took advantage of you while you were stoned and messed up your marriage to Ridge? Hey -- y'all aren't GH's Luke and Laura. Don't even try.

I also have a problem with Caroline's "Douglas wants a family" spiel. Dude, all Douglas wants right now is to stick things in his mouth, say things that only make sense to him, and have something comfortable to poop in. At least Caroline said she didn't just want to reunite with Thomas because they had a child, but there's so much of that on soaps, and it's always gotten on my nerves. Besides, Carmas is done. There's no there there.

SPENCER FOR HIRE

I swear, if Bill waxes romantic/sexual about that damn building one more time, I am going to clock him with that model he's always stroking! What is he, a cartoon villain who can only achieve his objective by destroying Spectra? There must be hundreds of properties that need to be bulldozed in L.A. Bill's been on this for months. It's better than his whinnying to Brooke, but I really need Bill to move on from this. Yesterday.

Steffy felt like she was in a frat house, being surrounding by Bill, Liam, and Wyatt. And no wonder, when, if not for Taylor's eagle eye, Steffy would have slept with all three of these guys. She officially joined the Brooke Club last year. And why does Steffy keep calling Sally "Sally Spectra"? That's Victor Newman's schtick on Y&R, him and "that damn Jack Abbott!"

Bill was on board for Katie's (ahem, Wyatt's) idea for a swimwear showing in Monaco, but didn't like that Thomas and Sally had hijacked it. That's understandable. But Bill needs some WD-40, because you could hear those wheels in his head creaking. Though Steffy assured her former almost-lover that Forrester could easily trounce Spectra, Bill decided he would do his own trouncing, Dollah style.

Dunno what that means, but Sally may end up trouncing herself. She was naturally uneasy about meeting Thomas' ex and baby mama, but she didn't help her cause by immediately declaring Caroline royalty. In truth, B&B painted Sally as jealous and petty, and I don't think that was the intention. Sally's behavior would have made total sense had the show not skipped one major detail.

Remember a few months ago when Shirley insisted to Sally that Thomas would dump her the minute Caroline came back to town because Caroline was successful, rich, and the mother of Thomas' son -- all the things Sally wasn't? There's Sally's motivation, and our flashback-happy soap could have reinforced that with one reminder scene. Shirley planted the seed, but nobody bothered to water it.

And Sally must have been hanging out with Brooke, because Sal likewise instantly sussed out that Steffy sicced Caroline on her. Steffy didn't deny it, accusing Sally of only loving Thomas' money and swearing, "I'm gonna get you out of Thomas' life once and for all." Oh, yes, namesake Grandma would be proud. Maybe it's better to see Steffy meddling than being caught up in love triangles, so I won't say another word.

Sally went back to Thomas' loft in time to catch Caroline laughing about winning. Ms. Spectra invited Caroline to play gin rummy, but you couldn't help feeling these two were silently declaring, "Game on." Thomas realized he didn't have any Meow Mix in the house then privately told Sally she had nothing to worry about. And she really doesn't. We know Thomas isn't going to ditch Sally for Caroline. So there's zero suspense.

I NEED A THOUSAND DOLLAHS TO MAKE YOU HOLLAH

She gets paid to do the wild thing! Say what? I was asking Tone Loc's question, too, because if Sheila is supposed to be reformed, why did she try to squeeze a grand out of Charlie and threaten to squeal to Pam if he didn't pay up? That doesn't come from the place of kindness Sheila's talked about. I know a lot of you think she's as crazy as ever; unfortunately, stunts like this aren't doing anything to prove you guys wrong.

The other thing is, Sheila is coming across far too angry, too often, to be rehabilitated. I'd love to see her saying the same things, only more even-keeled. Too bad B&B's not limiting her angry flashes to Quinn; that would be perfect. But I digress. How does Sheila think Charlie helping with money would pay off for him? Is she assuming she'll be able to remarry Eric and slip Charlie some checks at the security kiosk?

Maybe Sheila really has been in jail, because she seems to be slipping a little. She kept thanking Charlie for telling her about Ridge and Quinn when he didn't tell her squat. She read between the lines of his hedging; he didn't even 'fess up about the lipstick-stained napkin he found after Quidge was locked in the bathroom together. I also don't know how Sheila would know Pam didn't believe Charlie about that piece of "evidence."

DO NOT DISTURB

So, out of the thousands of motels in the Los Angeles area, Eric checks into a room just down the hall from his ex-wife, Sheila. I wondered why the wealthy Forrester patriarch didn't pick the Four Seasons or somewhere; at least he said he found a bargain place on purpose so he wouldn't be found. But seriously, the same motel? That's on par with Eric and Sheila vacationing in Catalina at the same time as Lauren and Scott in 1993.

Ever the nurse (Eric mentioning it was epic; Sheila repeating it was overkill), Sheila asked Eric if he had remembered to pack his medication, anxious about him in "his condition" -- which brings up some interesting points. First off, how did Sheila know Eric had any "condition"? Was his brain hemorrhage reported on the celebrity gossip sites? And let's not forget how he ended up on a gurney in the first place.

It was only nine months ago that Eric collapsed because he was so upset about his family boycotting his wedding. He could barely speak for weeks. So how come no one was concerned about a relapse? Not Brooke, not Ivy, not Katie, not even Ridge and Quinn worried that their kisses could put Eric back in the hospital. They approached Eric to tell him about swapping spit themselves! And no one thought the news might kill him?

Well, Sheila offered to pick up Eric's meds and sneaked into the Forrester manse. With a key! She certainly never needed one before! When Sheila darted upstairs I couldn't help thinking of her doing the same thing to switch Stephanie's calcium supplements with mercury back in '96. This time Sheila came downstairs with Eric's pills. And ran smack dab into Quinn. (Like I told you -- losing her touch. Sheila never gets caught.)

Here's the thing, though. Why was Quinn at the house in the first place? Eric threw her out. Did she think when Eric came back he wouldn't kick her to the curb again? Yet she amassed everyone who knew about the Quidge question -- Katie, Ivy, Brooke, and of course Ridge -- to suss out Eric's whereabouts. And how did everyone know that Quidge had been outed? Was there a bonus scene I missed?

Adding to my hunch that something not good happened to Sheila in prison, the former South American kidnapper roared, "Don't you ever touch me like that!" when Quinn grabbed her arm. Apparently Quinn didn't listen to Sheila promising to snap Quinn in two the last time she laid hands on Eric's other wife. "You don't intimidate me!" Quinn barked back, and you know, I don't think she does.

All the more reason I really want to see Quinn embrace her crazy and battle Sheila on that level. It would make Quinn seem less wussy, and I know some fans would feel the score would be settled somewhat if Sheila were victimized. Sheila did her too on-the-nose seething, only showing reform when she gently told Quinn she had paid for her crimes against the Forresters.

Then Sheila said something interesting. "I'm not the only one with a past -- you've got a few skeletons, too; that's quite obvious." So Sheila doesn't know about Quinn's Ivy-pushing, Liam-stabbing, Adam-storing history? It would be kind of juicy if Sheila would use Quinn's own misdeeds against her somehow. For now, Sheila wouldn't tell Quinn where Eric was and warned her she'd be sorry if she tried to follow her.

Is Sheila using her dark powers for good? She seems to honestly believe she's helping Eric, giving him a peck on the forehead as he slept. Accompanied by that piano gliss or whatever the show played every time Sheila looked at Eric longingly. Too much of a good thing, y'all. Though I'm thankful for the continuing use of the '90s music cues that underscored Sheila's first B&B go-round. That's some #Bold30 for ya!

YOU CAN CHECK OUT ANY TIME YOU LIKE, BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE

Failing to get the zip code of her errant husband out of Sheila, Quinn called Steffy, who answered with a cavalier "Hey." "Hey?" You greet the woman you bitch-slapped in Monte Carlo and railed against for months with "Hey"? Quinn took Eric's disappearance to mean he took off with Sheila. How does she figure? Eric could easily have slipped away on his own. Unless Quinn's remembering her own Adam/Eve episode.

Ironically enough, Liam accompanied Steffy and offered to help Quinn, even asking to try some electronic tracing on Quinn's laptop. Did you evah? Hopefully Quinn doesn't still have Ricardo Montemayor's murder-hinting video on there. When Steffy wondered if Liam needed an app to locate Eric's phone, Liam pshawed, "Don't forget, I used to do this for a living." Kudos to B&B for remembering Liam's computerized intro seven years ago!

I didn't know his IT duties at Spencer included 24-style triangulating! Oh, why not; this is the guy who managed to create an image of Steffy's face from random Google pix like he was playing digital paper dolls. Getting a hit, Liam turned to find Steffy brandishing a gun. She had found Stephanie's and wanted it for protection, since Quinn thought she'd felt a gun in Sheila's purse while rooting around for Eric's pills.

How many guns did Stephanie have? First, there was the one Storm used to shoot Stephanie. Probably didn't keep that one. Then Rick snagged one, which I recall he gave away or sold after trying to pop a cap in Ridge and Caroline. Did Stephanie keep an arsenal up there? Not that I ever really believed the elegant woman who rearranged people's lives would really end up being a card-carrying member of the NRA.

I was very glad that B&B addressed Sheila's role in Taylor's "death." "I know that hurt," Liam reassured Steffy, "but your mom is okay." Steffy rightly responded by describing how difficult it had been for her and Thomas and Phoebe, spending parts of their childhoods thinking their mother was dead. I maintain Sheila didn't shoot Taylor on purpose, but that particular repercussion is real. Of course, that's on Omar, too.

Maybe that's why Steffy barged into that two-star motel room just as Sheila was telling Eric she'd keep his family away from him and he'd never have to see any of them again. Hmm, shades of Adam and Eve? Steffy didn't understand why Grandpa had turned his back on Quinn and raised an eyebrow when Eric growled, "Ask your father." That's right! Leffy doesn't know anything about Quidge! So Sheila's presence must have been even weirder for them.

Sheila tried to convince Steffy that Eric wanted to be family-free. But how could Sheila recognize Steffy? Stephanie Jr. was little the last time Sheila was in L.A. And Steffy has never met Sheila, yet she identified her immediately. I'll grant Ridge probably told her that Sheila "killed" her mommy; did Steffy look Sheila up online and memorize her face? That was just kind of contrived to me.

Sheila wanted Leffy to go away, and Eric wasn't providing any answers. So Steffy thought Sheila was running the show and demanded to know how Nurse Carter was nursing her grandfather. Sheila went to her purse, prompting Liam to yelp, "She's got a gun!" Then, in slo-mo, Steffy pushed Liam out of the way, aimed a gun shinier than her nails, and fired!

Holy, Stephen Logan! Gangsta Granny popped Brooke's pop in the arm and Gangsta Granddaughter did it to Sheila. Last time Sheila got shot in a motel, she supposedly died with Phyllis' face! (Would Sheila have a gunshot scar from that? Maybe that would settle the Phelia question once and for all.) Eric cried, "Oh, Sheila!" which made me laugh 'cuz I thought we were about to dance. "Here we go -- oh!"

Well, well, well. Turns out Steffy's no better than Aly, and Aly had madness and an actual dead mother on her side. Steffy blew a hole in Sheila for "killing" Taylor (in subtext anyway) the way Aly was about to crack Steffy's head open because Taylor ran down Darla. Did Steffy have a Sheila hate board in her closet? At least we haven't had Floating Basketball Taylor Head to contend with.

Is Sheila innocent once again but collecting some of her very bad karma? Has Steffy become Stephanie? Has R.J. and Coco's summer story run its course? And are you Team Tally or Team Carmas? Book a room in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"Did the doctor who delivered Charlie drop him on his head? He is as dumb as a box of dirt and has a mouth the size of Texas. Seeing him quake in front of the Dominatrix Sheila was a riot. He will soon regret that. Sheila is making the Ridge/Eric/Quinn story interesting again. I love that she is not 'rehabilitated'. That wouldn't be any fun." -- Eileen

"The reason why the Quinn/Ridge connection seems weak is because there's a definite backtracking in this storyline. Quinn's repeated 'I love you's to Ridge are now being ignored, and the fact that they've been recently unable to keep their hands off each other is just some harmless flirtation. Problem is, this was just a few weeks ago. Now...Ridge is just the guy with whom she had some tequila. I hate when B&B does this -- pretends that we saw something other than what we did see..ordinarily I'd think Sheila is a big ole buttinksy, getting involved in something she has no business being involved in, but I hope she destroys Queric's marriage and Eric's faith in his son and wife..." -- "StDanielle"

One of my dearest B&B hopes is coming true -- James Warwick is paying a visit! And he's going to check the veracity of Sheila's rehabilitation -- at Eric's request! Like I said before, Sheila should feel a stronger pull toward James, since they had a child together; will we go all the way and bring Mary back for a visit, too? Perhaps we can also verify that Sheila actually did time in prison, which would definitively color things one way or the other.

Chanel will be back with you again next week, and I'll be back in two. It's the Summer of Sheila, so keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, now more than ever, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, or orientation, we're all beautiful.

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.