Close, but no cigar

Eric's romance with Donna was his second midlife crisis. Number one was his marriage to Brooke. Hopefully, Eric will refrain from having a third midlife crisis and stick with Stephanie for the duration.

Pour me a martini -- shaken not stirred -- while I review the hot topics this past week on The Bold and the Beautiful. If you need to get married fast, look no further than those lovely Logan ladies. Talk about throwing things together in a jiffy. I fully expected to hear that Spencer Publications' next book would be Katie's guide to weddings on the fly.

While the wedding was a typical B&B instant classic -- they've done this ritual before in record time so it wasn't that much of a surprise -- I couldn't help but wonder why they bothered to introduce Olivia as Justin's cousin. There was no reason for it except to have somebody representing his side of the family. Did they even give Olivia a line of dialogue? And while she was in Malibu, sharing Justin's joyful day, back home in Genoa City, her beloved niece Lily was becoming a widow! Hey, Liv, get your butt back to Wisconsin. You're more needed there!

It was hard to get very emotional about the Logan-Barber wedding. Oh, sure, Donna was weeping like somebody turned on the waterworks, but I felt next to nothing for these two. Brad Bell just didn't give Justin and Donna enough time to really engender deep feelings. Was there a need for speed that rushed this wedding down our throats? We were told a lot about their backstory, how Donna gave up Justin and Marcus, how Justin had been part of the Logan family when they were in high school, etc. But telling us and showing us are two different things.

I remember a long time ago a similar storyline on Another World. Donna Love -- played by Anna Stuart -- had a high school romance with Michael Hudson (Kale Browne), but they were torn apart and only reunited years later. Just like Justin and Donna on B&B. But at that time, AW depicted the whole history of Donna and Michael with young actors who enacted the high school drama. It was great stuff. Brad could have done that with Donna and Justin, and it would have been very poignant, especially since it also involved an interracial element. Instead, Donna and Justin were just thrown in our faces as a fait accompli. All the tears in the world from Jennifer Gareis couldn't move me to wipe my eyes.

It was great to see Donna having the class to tell Eric about her wedding. Even her giving him the honey bear container was a sweet touch, no pun intended. The fact that Eric acknowledged to Stephanie that Donna's antics were a bit much for him was refreshing. I think we can all agree now that Eric's romance with Donna -- and their marriage -- was his second midlife crisis. Number one was his marriage to Brooke. Hopefully, Eric will refrain from having a third midlife crisis and stick with Stephanie for the duration. After all, she's actually been a new woman since her cancer crisis ... a woman with whom he's sharing his life, and they're enjoying their time together.

Speaking of Eric, is his still Marcus' father? Or is Marcus everybody's favorite son? Justin was actually serious when he asked Marcus to take his last name. Really? How many times has Marcus had to buy new stationery for all the name changes. Maybe he should just change his name to Marcus, like Cher. You know, no last name at all!

It's funny. Marcus has three dads, two moms, and who know how many inheritances he's in line to receive! Must be nice to be so beloved. Of course, if we find out that Dayzee is somehow related to Marcus, I'm going to blow a gasket. Don't laugh, this is a soap opera and at some point we're going to get curious about where Dayzee came from -- other than skid row.

I'm not sure if Furnace Creek is that much better than skid row. It was amusing to see Amber in Tawny's trailer, although I don't believe either of them would really live there. Has Amber really fallen apart so quickly from her time in Genoa City? I know Brad Bell wants us to forget about Amber's life in GC, but how can we when we know that she could call Katherine Chancellor and borrow a couple of grand to tide her over? You think Daniel, her ex-husband, wouldn't send her a few bucks? See, that's what happens when you have one character go from soap to soap. They leave a trail, no matter how hard the head writer tries to erase it.

Considering the fact that Tawny has never given Amber good advice, you have to wonder why Amber's suddenly listening to her mother now. And it's not just advice like, "Hey, Amber, why don't you get a job and earn a living?" No, that would be too sensible. Tawny's advice involves enlisting the help of a numbskull like Carl to falsify paternity tests. Yes, that's the kind of advice that Amber takes. Never mind that she's pulled this crap before, when she made Rick think he was the father of Little E. Again, Brad wants us to forget, but we have long memories.

So on Monday, we're going to see the 6,000th episode of B&B, and in honor of the occasion, Nick is going to meet lung cancer survivors. It's an extension of Stephanie's cancer story and part of the ongoing public service that B&B is shoving down our throats. I'm sorry. I know it's an important subject, and as somebody who has a lot of familiarity with cancer, I'm not downplaying the need for people to be aware of the dangers of smoking as a cause for cancer. However, the Nick angle is really being overdone. For one thing, Nick's addiction has suddenly become the focus of his life. And it's coming out of nowhere. He has other things going on besides quitting cigars, doesn't he? Or maybe it's all we're being shown...

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I have anything against an occasional episode that deals with things other than swapping paternity tests and Oedipal complexes. But Nick quitting smoking by being scared by a cancer support group is obvious. I will say this, I loved the Yul Brynner video that Jackie showed Nick. I'm a little surprised that Nick mentioned that he liked Yul Brynner's movies because he didn't bother to mention a single one. Yul Brynner was famous for The King and I, but he was also great in The Magnificent Seven, Westworld, and Anastasia and dozens of other movies. And his decision to do that commercial before dying of lung cancer was memorable and poignant.

Are you feeling the tedium of Hope and Liam's storyline? I am. Even if it were true that Liam was the father of Amber's baby, is it really that big a deal for Hope? What if Liam had been married before and had a child from that marriage, would she have no interest in Liam because he had a past? Hope's the virgin in that relationship, not Liam.

Doesn't it seem like the tone of the whole story is very dated? It's like if Liam's the father of Amber's baby, his life will be ruined and Hope won't have her perfect love. Geez Louise, get over it. So what if Amber has a baby and Liam's the dad? He can still be Hope's boyfriend and pursue a life separate from Amber. People do it all the time. Hope and Liam are acting like the baby will destroy their bliss. It will complicate things, but will it be the reason for their breakup? No, I don't think so. If Hope and Liam are meant to be, a baby shouldn't cause a split.

You know, Hope has this fantasy of perfect love. She had it with Oliver and now with Liam. It's time for her to stop being so dreamy and be a realist. Wouldn't it be refreshing if she were more like the girl in Juno or Easy A? (Two good movies that you might want to rent.) In both those pictures, the teenage girls are sharp, funny, and down-to-earth. On B&B, our only hope for that kind of teen is Dayzee -- assuming that she is a teenager. Hope is really in love with the fantasy, and Steffy is bitter and mean. Can't there be a character with some balance?

Finally, a note about some of the other characters and stories; it was nice to see Pam and Stephen return to the canvas. Whether or not the Forrester-Logan feud is really going to be shelved remains to be seen. I doubt it. When the time is right, Stephanie will flip out over something that Brooke does. It's inevitable. Right now, Brooke and Ridge are too happy. Maybe they need to find R.J., their son who has been missing in action for over a year. It's time for SORAS to hit that kid so he can become a problem that Ridge and Brooke need to handle. I'd also love to see Bill rekindle his interest in getting Forrester Creations. He's dull as a daddy. It's just not why they brought Don Diamont onto the show. If that character doesn't freak out about the prospect of being a grandfather, I'll be shocked. Bill's losing his edge with all this domesticity.

There were some great letters in the e-mailbox this week. You can read them below and feel free to write us with your thoughts at Soap Central...

• Here is what they need to do at Bold and Beautiful. Say goodbye to Aggie, Donna and Justin, Oliver, Steffy, Marcus, Bridget and new Thomas. Have storylines for Stephen and Pam, Thorne with Taylor. Leave Ridge and Brooke alone as well as Eric and Stephanie. Let's hear from Sally! I like Bill with Katie, However, what about Katie/Bill/Taylor? Whip would be great with Jackie. Bring back the old Thomas, PLEASE. Bring Ridge and Nick's father to shake everyone up. What about Thomas and Owen? Bring the kids back. What happen to R. J? Is he still in his room? It would be great to have Deacon back, too. No one would be safe. -- Sheila H.

• Please, do we have to have Steffy back? It's been so nice without her tacky character. However, once we got rid of her, here comes tacky Amber! Now if Steffy comes back, we have two of them to deal with. That is enough to ruin this show. It has been really refreshing to see Donna and Justin get together finally, and the new character Stephanie is turning into. Why can't the writers just keep it clean? I think Hope needs to do something besides being a moon-eyed teenager for a while. She surely is more capable than that. -- Virgie

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